Pour Your Heart Out: Relationships

I am no good at relationships. I used to be, but the older I get the worse I am. I have less patience, less time, less desire, and even less forgiveness at times.

I have this friend. I love him dearly. We share wonderful conversations about parenting, and about our relationships with our ex-spouses. We talk about our jobs, schools, government, and on a rare occasion perhaps a little on religion. We can be two peas in a pod. We can get along so well...when we are in a good mood. If one of us starts to struggle in our own lives...we fall apart. We may not speak for weeks on end. We always seem to make up eventually and with every break-up and make-up we seem to connect less and less.

Last night I was kinda mean to my friend. I was grumpy and just not happy with the choices that I had made with my day...everyday stuff like sitting around waiting for my husband to decide what to do, and wanting to go run with my daughter only to find she had gone without me, and yada yada...I have to face the fact that I let yesterday pass me by because I didn't speak up. I didn't voice my desires to anyone and I was left behind.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hang out while I worked on a project I had been scheming in my head. He said sure. I told him I would call him when I could escape my zoo for a few hours. As my mood darkened I suddenly didn't feel like doing anything. I gave up. He told me he would call me right back after he finished eating dinner. I gave him that pathetic "Ok, I guess I will talk to you later" sad, pout voice. I figured he would know why I had the tone that I had. I knew he wouldn't call back.

An hour later he texted me and said "You know we could get together anyway (even though I wasn't in the mood for my project anymore)." I was too busy sulking and feeling sorry for myself to hear the text message. I didn't even see it until 10pm. I texted him back and said "You know you could remember to return a call every once in a while...just to shake things up a bit."

He was clearly not happy with this reply. I was being honest about my feelings, but I didn't tell him in a very effective way. Why do I do that?

Anyway he responded in the defense because clearly he doesn't realize that he does this to me frequently, and so I guess we're on the outs again. I called him early this morning and left him a voice mail. I said I was sorry for taking my grumpiness out on him. He hasn't contacted me yet. I hope he does in a few days.

What I really wish he would realize is that we take our frustrations out on each other for one reason. We trust each other to be a soft place to fall. We just haven't figured out the best method yet. I'm grumpy to him when I am sad because I *think* I know that he understands it's not him...but when I am on the receiving end...I forget just as easily that he's dumping on me because he trusts me to be there too.

Life is such a complex thing. It's too bad none of us will ever fully understand it before we pass.

I digress...today is a new day and I had better get off of this computer before I let myself be left behind again!

Today's meme is brought to you by Shell over at Things I can't say. Hop on over there and pay her a visit, if you please. Join in the Pour your Heart out fun (link above) or enjoy reading some of the other many bloggers who join in each and every Wednesday.

Have a great day!