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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Life. None of it resembles me.

I had actively participated in the creation of this life - so why does it feel like none of it resembles me?
{eat, pray, love. Elizabeth Gilbert}

This is where I am. I am 35. I am a wife. I am the mother to 4 beautiful children. We own a modest home in a safe city...safer than most, anyway. We have a nice vehichle, and every one of us has nice clothing, good shoes, and we eat well. I've not been one to want for much more than that.

Sure our home is small, and we own too much. We spend more than we should, despite how frugal I am. We participate in many activities and local events. We live a "good life".

Somehow I am always left wanting more. I crave more life experience, more time, more wisdom, more substance and some higher quality substance. I'm not happy.

I'm not truly happy except when I am alone. Since I am not the type of soul whom could abandon her own children & family I sit. I sit and I stand in the very same place I've been for many, many years. I'm empty, and full of sorrow.

I have a deep longing to reconnect with myself and the world around me. I hope to do that with and through my children. I don't want to be stressed out and anxious anymore. I don't want to be content. I don't want to live with mediocrity for the rest of my life. I don't even want to live like this until my children are grown.

I don't know what to do with that. I don't know where to go from here. I just don't know what I want, nor do I know what I expect, out of life.

One thing I do know is that this...this's just not working for me. It never has, and it never will. I need change. Anyone who knows me knows that this is huge. I don't like change. I run away from change. The thing I despise the most is what I crave right now. It's what I've been craving for a very long time.

I cannot tell you how I got here. I can only tell you that I'm stuck here, and I'm trying to figure out which way to turn. My children are 4, 8, 11, and 13 years old. This does not leave me much time to sort through all of this. I'm sure I could find more time, and it's one of the things that is high on my priority list. Make time for me. Time for me to learn & grow, give & love, laugh & cry, eat & sleep, think & meditate.


  1. Your kids are the perfect age for getting out there and truly living life in ways that bring meaning to it. For example, when our kids were that age, we delivered meals (as a family) to shut-ins during the holidays and helped decorate for meals served at our church. Of course, it is also simple to participate in the Adopt a Kid programs, pick books for Give-a-Kid-a-Book, etc. Just last week, I took a student of mine to the Humane Society, where we just spent an hour and a half petting cats. It feels great to make a difference to others. Have you tried that?

  2. The kids and I have worked together on several community projects. It used to be enough, but as the older ones get older I feel a calling to do more.

    I was the VP of a non-profit organization, and the co-founer of a active support group. I still volunteer for a national oraniztion, ut I think that I'm defietly missing the feeling of avig all of that purpose, but this is much bigger than that, I think.

    I love some of your ideas too. Thanks for sharing this.

  3. Hi there! Found you in the Saturday Sampling... I think Mrs. 4444 is on to something. If you get engaged with someone else's problems it really makes you feel alive and worthwhile. I am currently struggling with what "else" (besides being mom to my daughter and wife to my hubby) I want to do. I feel like something is calling but I don't know what it is...

    I made up a game to play (If you go to my Everyday Bliss Blog you can read all about it) --looking for more Bliss -- I play the game in public on my blog and invite others to play along... it has helped me to not feel so lost. Maybe you could do something similar following one of your passions. -- I can't say I'm closer to figuring out what I want but I can say I've experienced a lot more Bliss these past 10 months!

    I'm thinking about you and I'll be back to see how you are doing!

  4. Read this book. "The Gift of an Ordinary Day"

  5. Oh Lety. :(

    Well, I think a great first step is focusing on the good that you do have, which you did at the beginning of this post. Have you tried a gratitude journal? As you know, I am SOOOO the last person you might expect to recommend something touchy-feely like that, but it seems very "you."

    I think you should consider becoming a CASA - I know you've thought about it. It is a significant time commitment, but the level of involvement and really making a difference is so different then most volunteer opportunities out there. And in a way, it may be good for you to have a volunteer thing that is YOUR thing and that your family is not involved in. You could spend the time you used to spend on Mommymoon doing it.

    Considering you're not going to run off and join the circus, any ideas for what kind of changes you are thinking of? New job maybe? That is something that could shake things up for you a little, but I know the flexibility of your current job is important.

    Lastly, I think contentment is undervalued. Please know I am not trying to invalidate your feelings at all - just trying to provide another perspective. Right now, for you contentment, what you call mediocrity, is not enough, and I respect those feelings. But to offer another perspective:

    Contentment isn't exciting, but it's really a gift. With big, exciting, crazy, passionate things, often comes pain and drama as well. I truly think a lot of what you are feeling now is because of your life history - getting married young (with a bad relationship) and having children young - you never really got to spread your wings in your 20s. You were dealing with an asshole husband at such a young age, and then you were working your ass off to support your kids. I think the 20s are a great time to try different things, make some mistakes, get an education, etc - so that then you can reach a place of feeling really comfortable with yourself and content in your 30s. But you didn't have the luxury of getting to do those things in your 20s. And I think you are feeling that need now.

    I'm not sure how to address that, because it is what it is. But the good news is that since you had kids young, you'll still be young when they are grown. Even your youngest will be out of the house by the time you are 50. And knowing you, my friend, you are going to be about the youngest 50-year-old out there. So know that there is time. It feels far off now, but it's not really. You will have lots of time then to pursue passions, travel, learn, etc.

    Here's a quote to ponder:

    “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

  6. I know - today is Monday but I finally made it to the second column of blog posts from the Saturday Sampling linky. I hope I am not too late.

    I lived life as you describe it - and felt much the same as you while I did.

    Now - in hindsight with its 20/20 wisdom - I realize that I lived my life accidently. I figured that out when someone introduced me to the word "intentional".

    I never lived an intentional moment - until now. Intentional living means that I have much greater odds of fulfilling my purpose in life.

    Whatever you choose to do - choose to do it and do it intentionally. Don't let your life accidently pass the time.

  7. Sharon-Thank you so much! That has been on my mind a lot lately. If I want to take walks every night I have to make it happen. I have to get up and do it, with or without company.

    I love the way you worded this. Thank you for that gift!


  8. I just want you to know that I do intend to comment on this post. I need my notes from my church experience on Sunday- the sermon was right up this alley. I thought of you the entire time.

  9. If you are interested in listening to the entire sermon (there is, of course, God stuff but there is a lot of everyday good advice, too):

    Some of the notes that I highlighted:

    The secret to breaking a negative in my life is to refuse the negative and then choose something positive. One thing I always can control is my choice in how I respond to circumstance.

    I cannot blame other people for the direction of my life. I cannot live off others' spiritual commitments.

    The bottom line was that you have to step up and take control of what you want in life. Define your identity, accept responsibility, determine your priorities, and then choose authorityo make it happen.