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Sunday, January 30, 2011


Today is going well. We had lunch w/Teta Rose & U. Bob with Aiden. Jon is working on the drywall today and I am on Lice detail. Blech. I hate lice! I'm sanitizing all bedding, pillows, and blankets. It's a big pai in the ass. My head itches like crazy but Jon says he see's no activity on my head. =S

I'm hoping we get around to primer today in the bathroom remodel. I'd like to have 2 toilets again come Monday!

I cannot believe that tomorrow I will be 30 days smoke free, and that after tomorrow I will have 1 month under my belt!

To date I have saved $ 262.69 from quitting smoking!!!


I had a really great workout with Krista at the gym today. We did 40 reps on the tricepts, 100 total on the thighs, I did a 5 minute warm up on the treadmill and then alternated 1 minute of running/walking for 15 minutes. I did a few minutes on the bike and 40 on the glutes.

Feeling pretty good about that!

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Today is my daughters birthday! It's hard to believe that she is 12 years old! She had some friends over, and we took the kids out to pizza at CiCi's. It was super crowded but the kids had a great time.

She loved all of her new gifts and especially her clothes which made me very happy!

It was a stressful day but I made it through, 1 yawn at a time!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Good day today! Had to work out of town. I'm still smoke free and the new meds seem to be helping. Still suffering with the yawning but it seems to be getting better.

Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so I've got a lot of clean up to get done!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Friday Fragments {1.28.11}

Mommy's Idea

On Monday I decided that perhaps the line between my home and crazy town was a little too close so I decided to visit our family doc. We hung some of the drywall in the bathroom. The remodel is going slow and steady!

On Tuesday I was institutionalized. Thanks goodness they wave Wifi. I'm kidding! I started a new Rx and hope to be back to myself in no time. We didn't get around to hanging any drywall today.

On Wednesday I went back to work and had a great day, celebrating 26 days smoke free! Hubs finished hanging the last sheet of drywall today!

On Thursday I celebrated my husbands 35th birthday. We had lunch at Little Mexico and their beans were as good as Grandmas! We took the kids out for Sushi that night! Hubs started mudding the drywall today. We hope to be painting by the weekend!

On Friday I am working my last store for the month and then I can enjoy a few days off.

That's all the bits and pieces I could fragment of this week! Thanks to Mrs. 4444 from Half-past kissin' time for hosting this fun meme! It's been about 6 months since I've done one and I've missed reading them!


27 days smoke free! Today is my husbands birthday. We went out for lunch AND dinner and it was nice to have the day off. We got a lot of errands completed and started mudding the bathroom.

I have done really great today. No anxiety, sadness, no mood swings. Not overly happy, but definetly more like me!

I am experiencing the most annoying side effect though. Chronic yawning. Seriously! It seems that only 2%-5% of patients experience this. Lucky me! I am yawning 1-4 times every minute. I kid you not! My throat is so sore from the constant expanding and contracting.

Apparently it is harmless, but it is really annoying. I hope that it subsides in a few days.

I had a conference call today about my job. It seems that I am in the clear, at least for now. As long as I can maintain my productivity with the increased workload everyone will be happy. I am losing $45 a month in travel pay but I guess it's a small price to pay for staying employed. Yay!
Happy Birthday to Jon!

Today was a good day.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Today was a good day. My anger felt way under control. I know the new meds shouldn't have kicked in yet, but there's some kind of placebo effect going on. I feel better already. Wierd, hu?

I got a lot done today and didn't get over stressed. Yay!

12 months of Lety in pictures {2010}

12 months of me in 2010

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I went to the Dr. today. We are trying a new medication for my depression and hope that will help level me out for the next few months while I work my way through everything. I am very excited because this new script was $10 for a 3 month supply. My old script was $184 for a 1 month supply. Cha-ching!

Today was a pretty decent day. IT was busy, I never yelled, I made it to the gym, and I never cried.

Let's hope for more days like today! I am off to bed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm feeling lazy...

So here's a post-it note Tuesday, which is now hosted by That One Mom! I haven't done one of these in a very long time...but I'm in a funk and I feel like I gotta do something! ;)

You can make your own supah fun stickies over at Superstickies!
Thanks to That One Mom for hosting!

Only Parent Chronicles


Today was forever long! I slept HORRIBLY last night, and actually ended up on the new sofa all night...which is VERY comfy. I slept from about 3-5:30, and from 5:30 until 8am I slept in and out of kid waking me up with the morning hustle and bustle. After the little one was taken to preschool I laid back down and slept until about 10am and then went to work.

When  I left work I was running late and my battery was dead. I had a coworker give the van a jump and I headed home. I took a small nap and then made dinner, a Southwestern beef strips recipe I found in a magazine from last fall, Taste of Home. They were good!

I went to the gym from 8:30-9:30 and am hoping that helps me sleep tonight!

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Today was not very good, and I really don't feel up to talking about it.

My giant plumber got the faucet installed in the bathroom remodel project.

The drywall was removed from all walls in the bathroom too.

No one was hurt in the execution of this day, physically.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Child Abuse

This will, without a doubt, be the most scattered blog entry you may ever read. I am writing it at the best, and yet the worst possible time. If I do not write it now I will eventually get better and forget all about it...until the next time.

I endured a fair amount of physical, and emotional abuse as a child. It has left me with some very deep wounds that will never be fully healed. I have done some extensive work in therapy and that helped me to heal a lot, but I do not believe there will ever be a full healing of this damaged heart.

Today I came to the realization ...again...for the 4th time this month...that I need to go see my Dr. and get back on my depression and anxiety medications. This is one of the biggest problems with people who suffer from a mood disorder. They know when they are down that they should seek help on Monday morning...but when Monday comes they are feeling so much better that they forget to call the Dr. until 5 days later when they are having a hard time again and then the Dr. is out of the office again for the week end. It can b e a vicious cycle. Especially when you do not have a partner who is vigilant, and will recognize the signs and be an advocate for you to ensure you receive proper medical treatment in time.

As I mentioned before, I have faced this feeling that I need to call the Dr. several times this month. I quit smoking at the `1st of the year. I just woke up and quit cold turkey. I have assumed a lot of my struggles were with the side affects of quitting...but now I am not so sure. I think that many of these symptoms were actually depression setting in that I misread as withdrawls. The depression may have been triggered by quitting smoking, but either way...here I am. I am in major need of chemical assistance. It's been really hard today to not smoke because I know that even if the Dr. gives me a script on Monday morning the meds will not kick in for a week or two and that is a long time to suffer.

I have had a really hard time coping with my oldest sons behavior lately. He has an autism apectrum disorder and he has been having some new symptoms present that I cannot cope with while I am depressed. My husband isn't a very effective parent or partner so I am not getting the emotional relief that I need right now. In a fit of rage after listening to my son's fits and my husbands `15 failed attempts to negotiate with our teenager I lost it. I busted into the room and I said to my son something along the lines of "Do you know what happened to me if I dared to speak to my father the way you speak to us? They literally beat the shit out of me. They would have grabbed me by my shirt, picked me up off of the floor and beat my ass." and as I said this I grabbed his collar and I told him to put his damn video game down and go to his room. He had that look of challenge in his eye and I told him to put the game down now or else I would snap it in half. I counted to three. He realized he hadn't dealt with this side of me before and he had better not chance it. He laid the game down without a case and went to his room while he continued to mouth off. I told him to get his pajamas on and get into bed.

I really thought I was going to hit my child tonight. I really, really did. I cannot believe that I am not sitting out back smoking right now.

I don't know how long it is going to take me to get back to my level headed self, but I know that quitting smoking...it's becoming the hardest thing I'll ever do in this lifetime.

After how I treated my son tonight...I almost think I'd choose an early death over ever acting like this again.


Big day today. I hosted our 1st high stress party here at the house. We had 22 guests over to celebrate my two oldests birthdays. We had a good time. I only had 2-3 outbursts. It occured to me that 2-3 was probably not a major accomplishment. I came to the realization after the party that my depression is back upon me, and nearly in full force. I cried for hours for no reason. I mourned things that I had no reason to mourn. I was angry, and I thought I was going to hit my oldest for being a typical teenager.

I have to get to the Dr. Monday and get some help. I am going to ask if she has a fast acting script to get some relief from these symptoms. In the meantime...be prepared for lots of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde moments. (Sidenote-sadface for feeling that I am old enough that some readers may not even know what that means and so I feel the need to add linkage. *sigh*)

Friday, January 21, 2011


I snuck in a sneak peek weigh in today. It said I had gained 3 lbs in 5 days. I knew I shouldn't have weighed in on Friday instead of Monday...gave me that "What's the point in trying" mentality.

Then I ran to the bathroom, emptied my bladder, removed  a few layers...and tried the scale again. It said I gained another lb. Hahahaha!

I think I need a new scale!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cheecha's enchiladas


• 6 dried chile de arbol peppers (arbol chile or red chile)

• 1 clove garlic

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 3/4 cup water

• 1 cup vegetable oil for frying

• 18 (6 inch) corn tortillas

• 3 cups shredded Chihuahua cheese

• 1 cup crumbled queso fresco

• 1 cup mexican crema (can substitute sour cream)

• 1 cup shredded lettuce

• 2 medium tomatoes, thinly sliced

• 1/2 cup chopped green onions


1. Snap the tops off of the dried chilies, and place in a saucepan with enough water to cover. Bring to a boil, and simmer for 15 minutes. Drain the water, and place chilies, garlic, and salt into a food processor or blender and puree until smooth. (If you are a sinner, or just flat lazy you can substitute a canned enchilada sauce and no angels will lose their wings over this.)

2. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Soak each tortilla in the sauce, then place in the hot oil. Turn, and fry for a few seconds on the other side. Remove to a plate that is lined with paper towels. The easiest way to do this is to fry the tortillas and stack them directly on top of each other until you have fried them all. This will keep the tortillas pliable until you are ready to fill them.

3. Take one fried tortilla at a time, and fill with about 2 tablespoons of the queso. Roll up, and place seam side down on a plate. Place three of these on each plate.

4. Top enchiladas with crema, lettuce, tomato, queso fresco, and green onion in the following order: Start with a layer of crema, then a small handful of lettuce, tomato, 2 tablespoons of queso fresco, and finally, 1 tablespoon of green onions per plate


This day was a little rough around the edges. I just felt panicky all day. I feel like I am NEVER going to adjust to the noise and chaos of this family without my smoke breaks. I hope I am wrong about that!

I have spent a lot of time laying around today so I am behind on getting the house ready for the 30 some odd family members who will be coming on Saturday for the kids birthday party. I had better snap out of this funk tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Day 18 was not kind to me. I had a lot of stressful moments and with those moments came some really big "I wanna give up" tantrums.

I managed to make it through the day without smoking. I really really didn't think I would or could. I hope tomorrow is less stressful.

I didn't make it to the gym. My partner in crime wasn't feeling good and my kids had practice until 4:45, and then a parent meeting at the school from 6pm-7pm. By the time we were all home I didn't feel like going to the gym. LAZY!

Anyway....I have made it 18 days. My next milestone is 3 weeks...just 3 days to that goal!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Happy MLK day! Today was very challenging. I've had a harder time fighting off the stress cravings today. I worked on the meal plan for the next two weeks. Have to get all of that shopping done tomorrow so I want to be sure I have everything organized so I don't miss things and have to make an extra trip!

The kids were home from school today so that is probably why I have experienced a more difficult time getting passed the stress. 4 extra kids at home = a lot more stress!

I hope tomorrow is better. I am about at my limit.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I built a bookshelf today. I built a bookshelf all by myself. I built a bookshelf by myself today, and it took and hour, and I did so without smoking. Another milestone!

I didn't do a lot today. Just shopping, build a book shelf, playing with the family, and the usual housework and chores.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I went back to the gym today. Krista joined me (a neighbor and friend) and we did a mile on the DREADmill and a mile on the bikes. It was a good workout and having some company was nice too!

It looks like I'm really going to do this gym thing and I'm excited to see how far I get with it!

As far as the smoking goes...not a bad day. I had a few strong cravings but nothing I didn't get passed with some gum and a frown.

I'm considering taking up super couponing as a hobby. I'm not really excited about it but I am trying to be!

On a happier, more expensive note...let the UGLY BATHROOM REMODELING begin!

Long story short. I have an ugly bathroom. I entered a contest. Hundreds of people voted for me. I did not win. I decided to start remodeling the bathroom myself and today my husband helped finish off the drywall.

I'll be posting updates here as progress happens. Yay! Here are some before pics for you to enjoy!
This was the entry I sent in for the contest.

No one ever knew how UGLY it was because I am quite skilled at lip sticking a pig!


Now everyone knows my dirty little secret, and they also know it's not getting fixed for free. This means I actually hve to do something about it!

We've ripped down the tile to uncover the mold, and discover that all of the drywall will need replacing. Fun stuff! Here's a few pics from today:

Friday, January 14, 2011


Today was a pretty good day! I didn't eat very well and didn't meet my water intake, but the smoking was almost a non issue. Yay {Knock on wood}

I was very pleased with myself at the gym today. I did a 5 minute walk as a warm up and did a run/walk rotation in 60 second intervals for 20 minutes. Go me!

I am also quite pleased with the feel of the gym. I was afraid I would feel like I was on display. Instead I almost felt invisible. I was in my own little corner of the world and no one seemed to notice the random tic or twitch. That was awesome!

I'm feeling pretty confident that I will sleep well tonight and wake up feeling sore. :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Today was good...no major difficulties in getting past each withdraw. It's becoming easier to sit still for small periods of time (15-20 minutes) and I am starting to get used to how easily distracted I am now.

I'm still binge snacking. I'm hoping that slows down REAL quick. I had OVER 1,200 calories in Lifesaver breath mints today! Lifesavers can't save my life in that quantity....rather they will end my life from obesity!

Got some new Keen's today. Few things make me happier than a good pair of new shoes. These are a heavy duty winter snow boot that I've wanted for....ever. My feet will stay toasty for many years in these boots!

That just about sums up the day.


Today was a good day. Near tears, but no tears...progress.

I joined a gym that recently opened up here on the southside of Indianapolis called Planet Fitness. I plan to go there every night during the week between dinner and bedtime. It is my hope that this will help me in a few ways.

1. This is the time of day when smoking is the most tempting.
2. This is the time of day when I feel bored/sad/alone
3. This is the best way to help me lose the weight I gained in 2010

I signed up for the VIP membership. $20 a month gets me unlimited access to the facility including unlimited tanning, massage chair usage, and half price on all drinks. PLUS I can bring a friend to work out with me anytime I want and I can use other locations facilities 10 times a month for free!

I can't believe I haven't had a cigarette in 12 days. I can't believe it's only been 12 days either! It's going to be a long road but today proved to me that I can do this!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Today was balls. Stayed home with Aiden again today and it is really hard to not smoke when I am at home with nothing to do.

I started to rip down a wall in the main bathroom. I have disliked the tile in there for over 5 years now and it was something to occupy my brain for a while. I really have no idea when I will finish it but at least I've created a way to spend my "smoke breaks" for now.

I posted my first article for the Examiner today. I really hope I enjoy writing for them. I have no idea what the pay will be like but I must assume that it is not very much.

I am wondering when I will get over the hump. I'm still not super confident about this quitting smoking thing. My mind is thinking this is like a diet...like there is an end to the torture and that once I hit a certain point I can go back to smoking again...kind of like a diet. Like once I hit my goal weight I can eat again. Haha! So...until I accept the idea that this is it in my brain...I'm not going to get cocky!

Not much else to say about today. It's still challenging. I'm sure it will be for months and months.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Children are to be seen

There is a lot to be said for old quotes from yester year. Children used to be seen, and not heard. In fact...children were rewarded in public for behaving with a small piece of dime candy. How do I know this? I don't know...I'm an old soul who has watched too much TV.

I work in retail and I witness some of the most deplorable behavior EVER! Now...before you try to knock me off of my high and mighty horse spewing out the suggestion that I don't know what it's like to have X-Y-Z let me just stop you and tell you that a. You are barking up the wrong tree., and b. You are wrong., and c. My opinion is not up for debate.

I have 4 children. My oldest has an Autism Spectrum disorder, and a generalized Anxiety diagnosis. My Daughter has night terrors and is a sleep walker...which can result in unsavory behavior from the sleep deprivation. My 8 year old has ADHD and my youngest is suffering from the terrible fours. My point is...I know the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to behavior. There isn't much that you could show me that I haven't yet seen in one of my own 4 children. I also know there is a HUGE difference in the behavior of a child suffering from a neurological disorder and that of a child suffering from BRAT syndrome.

As I am at work this evening at a big box sporting goods retailer I am listening to these 2 children screaming at the top of their lungs. These were not screams of distress. These were not screams of fear or pain. These were the kind of scream a child lets out just to be making noise.

I walked around to investigate the noise and to ensure that no child was being abused, or was in any way hurt and as I round the corner I see brother and sister crammed into the basket of a shopping cart. There stands mom in her work out clothes, holding her Starbucks and chit chatting with an old friend. She seems to have completely tuned out her child. She seems not the least bothered by the screaming and howling that is going on in the cart that she is leaning on with one hand. Now...I have "tuned out" my own child many times before. I believe that it is a necessity at times...but not for 10 minutes at a time and not in public!

There was once a time when people had respect for other people. People kept their children clean, and quiet because they didn't want other consumers to be bothered or inconvenienced in any way by someone elses child. Children were to be seen, and not heard. Children had a place, and they knew it. Children didn't have money to buy things and therefore they kept their hands to themselves and off of the merchandise.

Now-a-days parents send their kids off to roam the stores and test out whatever merchandise they choose to, never knowing that their child just broke a bat, or popped a $10 ball, or ripped the key card from the $2,000 treadmill.

They let their kids try on 30 baseball batting gloves and then...here's the best part-They don't want to buy one that is opened, or they want a discount for the opened merchandise. Let me get this straight. You just opened 30 pairs of gloves and now you think that they should all be discounted because YOU opened them? You want to know what I think? I think that the police should be called because you people are robbing others of reasonably priced merchandise by tearing up things and then demanding a discount for them!

Do my children throw tantrums in the stores? ABSOLUTELY! Do my children run a muck, opening up merchandise, sampling products and wreaking general havoc onto others? HELL to the NO!

People...I beg of you! Make your children use their manners, teach them to be respectful, and for the love of all things holy OPEN your eyes and pay attention to what your little angel really is doing while you are sipping your latte and chatting with old friends. If you let then ravage into things at the stores without boundaries how will they ever know how to act in public?

One last thing. I've said it before and I will say it again. Opening up a package of socks and using a pair to try on shoes is NOT OKAY! It is stealing! No one wants to pay for a pair of socks after you have opened them and put your dirty foot in them. If the store doesn't have try on socks consider BUYING a pair to use or wait until you can come back with socks. I seriously don't know what is wrong with people. No one is going to pay full retail for socks that you used and then shoved back into a package people, seriously! It's even worse when you do this for a child with filthy dirty feet. GROSS!

Clearly I had a rough day at work today but this is something I see every.single.day. in the retail world.


Today has been just LAME! I woke up every hour last night. 2am. 3am. 4:30. 5:30. I wanted to scream every time I looked at the clock. I don't know why I am sleeping so shitty. Everyone told me that quitting smoking would make me sleep like a baby. Lies!

You know what else they told me? How GREAT my skin would be. I am 35. I look like I'm 25. Seriously...everyone is always commenting about my wrinkle free flawless skin and how they envy how young I look. Since I quit smoking...my skin looks like CRAP! I have zit fest 2011 going on over here. My face is splotchy and my eyes are swollen like I have cried for days on end!

So...I was being lazy this morning and feeling too tired from the lack of sleep when my 4 y/o says he wants to stay home today...his tummy hurts. I'm thinking he enjoyed being home for winter break and puke fest 2010 last month and has figured out that this is the way out of preschool...to be sick. I'm not happy about this. As much as I wanted to stay home...I need to go to work. My job is kind of on the line right now as it is...because I have shitty availability with 4 kids who are always getting sick and hurt!

So...my babe decided to throw up for me twice to prove his illness and it was decided that we would be staying home. I slept with him most of the morning on and off until the phone rang. My teen son had once again forgotten his binder, school book, homework, whatever...and asked for me to bring it to him. I loaded up the sick babe and drove up to the school to take him his crap.

We went to the grocery for Popsicles, and I grabbed a burger and we headed home where we curled up and took another nap together while I watched Vampires Suck...which is part hilarious and part...SUCK! Not the best movie ever, but it was mildly worth watching.

I decided to run to the mall and do some of my work tonight after the oldest kids got home and I'll finish the rest tomorrow morning. Blech.

I just realized that today's journal entry....it's the longest I've sat still an typed all year. Yay for me! Whoot!

Sunday, January 9, 2011


Happy Sunday! Today is my 1st born child's 14th birthday. I canot believe I have been a mother for over 14 years!

The quitting smoking thing is going good. I haven't had a smoke since the 1st, and the cravings are reducing in frequency.

I am putting things in my mouth less often now to curb that oral fixation so maybe I can get started on losing the extra weight in a few weeks. Right now I am just trying to weam myself off of 1,000 calories of chocolate a day!

That's about it for today.

The Call

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

From time to time this call is requesting that I give of my time, and resources for the benefit of another. What that can look like varies greatly from one call to another. One person may need food to feed their family, and another may need furnishings because they lost theirs in a house fire. Sometimes the call is simply for money, and other times it is for companionship, a shoulder, guidance, and support.

No matter what the call is for, and no matter how much I may not even want to answer it I do my best to answer the call and do so to the best of my ability. Sometimes to the extent of ignoring the limitations of being human.

I am certain that there are times when no one understands why I am helping another. Perhaps the person in need doesn't seem deserving. Maybe they truly are in the place that they are in through no one's fault beyond their own. Deep down inside I may not think that they deserve help either.

You know what? That's not my call to make. It's not my place to judge. There is no way that I can deny the feeling of that call no matter what my mind thinks, my heart feels, and my gut never steers me wrong. I receive a call and I accepted it. My only responsibility is to answer the call to the best of my ability.

This may not make a lick of sense...I don't know...I'm metaphysical like that. My point is that you may not agree with what someone else is doing, and that is okay. It is not okay for you to impede upon their process. This is their life and their call. Hopefully that person supports you in answering your calls and if they do you should consider returning that energy from time to time.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Day 8 was great. Just a few notes before I run off to bed.

1. I went out to my 1st MNO (Moms Night Out) tonight (since I quit) and had a great time.
2. I went to a bar and watched the game and drank a beer and didn't smoke.
3. I have not cried once today. 1st day in 8 days!
4. I did not have any physical pain or symptoms today
5. I felt a little like myself today.

Lastly, I am now the mother of a 14 year old! Happy Birthday Kid! <3

Friday, January 7, 2011


Today has been pretty good. For some reason I was really craving a smoke with my morning coffee. I hadn't experienced that one yet.

I worked today which helped to pass the time and I did some shopping after work too.

Today I said no to the opportunity to share a smoke break with a co-worker. I was very proud. So proud that I went straight to Starbucks and got myself a Venti Chai Latte.

I have seriously got to stop doing that! Haha! I've had 3 this week!

I've actually noticed my inner comedian is coming back to me today. Happy to see a part of me that I recognize!

Taking the kids to Incredible Pizza tonight so that should help fill my time up pretty well!

Well...I made it through 7 days. That's the longest I have survived quitting since my pregnancy. It's got to get better from here on out, right? Let us hope so!


Day 6 was crazy hard, yo! I didn't think I was going to make it through on more than one hour!

The cravings are getting harder to move past now and the constant need to keep busy is about the same. I'm not sleeping well still. I just keep waking up every hour or so and it's making for a very tired me!

I may call the Dr. and ask about Welbutrin. I am not sure if I can take that but it's been suggested.

I feel good about today so far so hopefully the day is fairly smooth!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Day 5...I am very discouraged. I've been fighting a craving for 53 minutes and it is not going away this time. I am begining to think that it was pain and suffering from menstral cramps that got me this far...and now that the pain is subsiding the cravings are more powerful.

I'm really starting to think I don't really want to do this...not to say that this is true...of course I know this is what I want, but my brain is trying to convince me that it isn't. Are you as confused as I am?

Anyway...I'm happy for the reduction in abdominal pain, but...I didn't expect day 5 to be this hard!

I was fine at work, and driving...it's at home when I am bored that is becoming challenging.

It's definetly a psychological struggle right now. I feel like I've lost an old friend.

Egg & Muffin toaster

I have this egg & muffin toaster and it gives me the best breakfast sami w/very little time and effort, and all for just 248 calories! My new unit makes 2 at a time so I shared with my husband.

English muffin: 100 cal

Egg: 70 cal

Cheese: 60 cal

Slice of Ham: 18 cal

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I made it through day 4. I'm starting to have concerns about the psychology of this beast. I have the cravings pretty well under control. I am surrounded by these feelings of sadness and depression. I feel alone, isolated, and lost.

I'm hoping this passes soon. I feel like I lost my support group. It's the wierdest feeling. It almost feels like I am in the hospital, and I am trapped, and I have to remind myself that there is no end to this contest.

I've challenged myself a lot in life...that it's become my brains natural process of thinking. If you can get A-B-C done you can have X-Y-Z. Well...my brain is thinking that eventually, after I make through this I can smoke again...and of course that is not the goal here.

Things to work on, for sure! For now I am taking it an hour at a time because these menstral cramps...they feel a lot like the days following my C-section and I am having a very hard time just walking the past 24 hours.

Much light, and love <3


Angry Birds Don't Smoke

I have been trying to find ANYTHING that will help me work through the cravings. Everyone keeps telling me to suck on this, and chew on that and honestly the more things people suggest the more I want to punch someone in the face. I mean...this isn't the 1st time in 20 years I have tried this people! It's not for a lack of ideas or methods that I continued to smoke. It's really freaking painful and hard and PAINFUL!!!

I have this severe anxiety like...I have to be doing something ALL.THE.TIME. , which is bad because it is already my nature to GO-GO-GO to a point beyond realistic expectations. Right now I am thinking about how unbelievably painful it must be to try and quit crack, or meth, or any serious narcotic. I cannot imagine and I am so thankful that I never tried any of those things what with my highly addictive personality and all, I'd probably be dead by now.

All over the place here...sorry but the worst side effect is that I cannot focus on anything for more than a few seconds right now...

I discovered Angry Birds , a video game app that I was able to download to my EVO for free. I didn't get what all of the hoopla was about when I downloaded it last year. I still don't get it. Why do people enjoy this stuff like mindless drones? They must need to escape reality or something...this game is dumb!

What I DO get is the distraction! (you launch birds at pigs to squash them in this game) I do not like video games. I do not like Facebook quizzes, nor do I like any other "game" type of activity.

I don't know why, but I really am enjoying this angry birds app. Maybe it's because those damn pigs make me angry and then I forget that I was angry because I wanted to smoke and instead am just angry because the pigs are still alive. Hahaha. I don't know. Whatever it is...it's working.

So...I don't have the patch, or the gum to thank for helping me past to get passed the cravings. I have the angry birds...a video game...an activity that I am normally very much against wasting my time on.

Thank You, Angry Birds, for helping me keep the anger alive with the delusions that I'm angry at pigs instead of my cigarette withdrawals.


Eggs and toast. I picked up a loaf of 35 calorie bread because that cuts the calories in half and i love me some toast with my eggs!

I've been playing Angry Birds a lot laely and I think it is no coincidence that my breakfast looks kind of like one of my angry birds. Haha!

Have a great Tuesday!

If I can locate the photo I took of my angry bird eggs I'll post it later!

Monday, January 3, 2011


Today is day 3. I have been smoke free for approx 60 hours now. They say that 72 hours is the magical number where the nicotine evacuates your body and that it gets really hard and then suddenly it is easier.

I hope for a peaceful day tomorrow. I almost caved in a few times tonight. I finally had to tell my husband and my oldest son to knock off the arguing, debating, disagreements, and anything else negative because I wasn't going to fall off of the bandwagon over their need to bicker, back talk, and fight like children.

I'm still having frequent body aches, blurred vision, the coughing and phlem has subsided for the most part. It's just really challenging to sit still. Even right now as I type this I am having a hard time not walking away. It's like this internal pain that I cannot really explain...it's just PANIC.

I've eaten my weight in starlight mints, gum, chocolate, and reeces tonight. I need to pack carrots and celery tomorrow because if I keep this up I will weigh 200 lbs by the time I get over the hump!

Today was my 1st day back to work and so far that seems to have gone well. The drive wasn't as torterous as sitting at home is. Really it wasn't to bad today! I hope tomorrow is even better!

Have a great night!

Suffer in Silence

I've always thought of myself as a "Suffer in silence" sort of gal. I tend to hold my pain in. I don't do this in order to appear strong and mighty. I do this because externalizing the pain gives the pain power. I have no interest in giving power to the beast so I do my best to hold it all in.

It has been brought to my attention that perhaps this practice is giving the impression that I am stronger than I really am. I don't know what to do with that. All I know is that I am aching on the inside right now and I have very little patience and care for these things right now.

I'm just going to sit with this pain for a few more days or however long it takes to get past the hump.

I know it's not much of a post...but progress is progress, right?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bloggin' changes...

I'm toying around with my blog schedule and trying to find the best way to make this work for me this year. I think I am turning my cooking blog into my food journal because I rarely post recipes and people frequently ask "what are you eating?" when they see you are losing weight...and this way not only will I be tracking my foods, I will have an excuse to practice my photography skills to boot.

I've created a new blog called "A Day in My Life {2011}" which is going to be more of a raw online journal. I may post random feelings there and daily struggles but nothing in a true blog format.

U8MyCrayons will continue to be for the random blog, sharing family photos, etc. I've never found my bloggy nitch so this blog doesn't have much substance or consistancy to it. Maybe that may change in 2011. Who knows? We'll see!

Lastly is the Simplify blog. It's just where I drop random ideas that I come accrossed on how to make your life a little more organized and a little less chaotic. I may only post thereonce in a while but when I do I usually am sharing ideas I've found and implemented in my own home so it's usually good stuff. :)

Have a great 2011 for those few of you that read the blog! I'm hoping to see some more positive changes this year!

1/2 Sunday

Back in 2009 people were frequently asking me how did I do it. How did I lose the weight? What did you eat, Lety?

Well...I am considering turning my cooking blog into a food journal. I don't post recipes that often anyway...and this will not only hold me accountable for what I do eat, it will also give me some practice on my photography skills. :)

As part of my New Years Goal I am planing to take better care of my health and in doing so I hope to lose the weight I gained in 2010.

Yesterday and today I had one of my oldtime fave breakfasts that I stopped having months and months ago. Oatmeal!

Seroiusly...it is quick, easy, lazy, filling, tastes good, and can be made almost anywhere.

For breakfast today I had 1 packet of the Kashi GoLean Hearty Honey & Cinnamon Hot cereal with 1 banana and black coffee. Yum! The Kashi is 150 calories per pckt, and the banana is around 100 calories.


Today is the 2nd day of the new year. I've made it 36 hours without a cigarette and I haven't inflicted bodily harm onto another being yet so this is good progress. At some point I am going to have to stop thinking about that because that just makes it more difficult.

Quitting smoking is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I'd seriously give birth over this process!

I think that people don't understand how physically difficult quitting is. There is a reason why quitter never quit. Haha!

In the past 36 hours I have experienced nausea, hot flashes, bodily aches and pains, difficult breathing, coughing, lots of expectorating of phlegm, and so on.

I feel panic, anxiety, and depression. I've been crying, and sad, and I feel like I am being forced to do something that I don't want to do....which I am in a way...I really want to quit, but I really will miss smoking. A lot. It relaxed me. It gave me a boost of energy. It was there for me when I was pissed. It was such a part of my daily routine that I don't know what to do with myself and all of this free time now.

I suppose that is enough bitching for today. I did great on my eating...other than the 1,000 calorie Taco Bell lunch I crammed down as I tried to stuff down my craving for a cigarette.

Have a nice night loves

Saturday, January 1, 2011

1/1 Happy New Year!

We took the kids to the Indiana State Museum Family fun night. It was a bit too crowded and loud for my crew, but they did enjoy riding the Santa Claus Express!

We were home by 9pm, after an unscheduled stop to the store for some last minute goodies to ring in the new year.

We did a balloon drop, toasted to some sparkling Welches for the kids and a little champagne for mom and dad, and ten we popped our confetti bottles, beat on pans at midnight, and ended the evening with Family Game Night on the Wii.

It was great to be at home and bring in the new year with our family.

Here's to a super 2011!


This is how my year began. At home with my husband and children just the way I wanted it to be. No bars, no make-up, no dissapointing crowds. Just us.

I have much work to do in 2011 and I hope that I can find some motivation and accountability in journaling. I've set up this blog specifically for that. I've hesitated for years to really put much of this out there, but I think sometimes facing your feelings is a very public way really gives you a more clear perspective.

I'm not expecting miracles in 2011, but I do have 3 goals for this year. I want to lead by example every single day, I want to be a better wife, and lastly...I just want to be the best me I can be.

We're starting the new year with some evaluations for the boys. I am hoping that we can find a medical treatment that will help them help me to be a better mom that can actually meet their needs.

I'm quitting smoking. I told myself I would quit by the time I was 35. I turn 36 in April. It's time. I don't want to be a smoker anymore.

I'm also going to stop eating crap, and get off of my rum and exersize. I'm going to get back to a healthier weight. I gained 20 lbs in 2010 after losing 45 in 2009. This is unacceptable.

Lastly, I'm going to make my spiritual life a priority again. I'm going to make time for daily meditation. I'm going to read more, and listen more deeply.

I hope to come back to the begining of this blog in 12 months and feel a sense of pride. I hope to meet some new people along the way and hope that you will offer support and advice along the way.

Happy New Year, and here's to an amazing 2011!