This will, without a doubt, be the most scattered blog entry you may ever read. I am writing it at the best, and yet the worst possible time. If I do not write it now I will eventually get better and forget all about it...until the next time.
I endured a fair amount of physical, and emotional abuse as a child. It has left me with some very deep wounds that will never be fully healed. I have done some extensive work in therapy and that helped me to heal a lot, but I do not believe there will ever be a full healing of this damaged heart.
Today I came to the realization ...again...for the 4th time this month...that I need to go see my Dr. and get back on my depression and anxiety medications. This is one of the biggest problems with people who suffer from a mood disorder. They know when they are down that they should seek help on Monday morning...but when Monday comes they are feeling so much better that they forget to call the Dr. until 5 days later when they are having a hard time again and then the Dr. is out of the office again for the week end. It can b e a vicious cycle. Especially when you do not have a partner who is vigilant, and will recognize the signs and be an advocate for you to ensure you receive proper medical treatment in time.
As I mentioned before, I have faced this feeling that I need to call the Dr. several times this month. I quit smoking at the `1st of the year. I just woke up and quit cold turkey. I have assumed a lot of my struggles were with the side affects of quitting...but now I am not so sure. I think that many of these symptoms were actually depression setting in that I misread as withdrawls. The depression may have been triggered by quitting smoking, but either way...here I am. I am in major need of chemical assistance. It's been really hard today to not smoke because I know that even if the Dr. gives me a script on Monday morning the meds will not kick in for a week or two and that is a long time to suffer.
I have had a really hard time coping with my oldest sons behavior lately. He has an autism apectrum disorder and he has been having some new symptoms present that I cannot cope with while I am depressed. My husband isn't a very effective parent or partner so I am not getting the emotional relief that I need right now. In a fit of rage after listening to my son's fits and my husbands `15 failed attempts to negotiate with our teenager I lost it. I busted into the room and I said to my son something along the lines of "Do you know what happened to me if I dared to speak to my father the way you speak to us? They literally beat the shit out of me. They would have grabbed me by my shirt, picked me up off of the floor and beat my ass." and as I said this I grabbed his collar and I told him to put his damn video game down and go to his room. He had that look of challenge in his eye and I told him to put the game down now or else I would snap it in half. I counted to three. He realized he hadn't dealt with this side of me before and he had better not chance it. He laid the game down without a case and went to his room while he continued to mouth off. I told him to get his pajamas on and get into bed.
I really thought I was going to hit my child tonight. I really, really did. I cannot believe that I am not sitting out back smoking right now.
I don't know how long it is going to take me to get back to my level headed self, but I know that quitting smoking...it's becoming the hardest thing I'll ever do in this lifetime.
After how I treated my son tonight...I almost think I'd choose an early death over ever acting like this again.
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Oh, honey. But, you didn't hit him. And you know you need some help and you will get it. Try not to beat yourself up so much.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shell. Despite the rage within, you maintained control. That's a victory. Go to your son, apologize, give him a hug and start over.
ReplyDeleteOh Lety, bless your heart. I agree with the PP's. It may have been a rotten, rotten moment, but in the end you maintained control of yourself and removed yourself from the situation (much like how a new parent sometimes just has to put the screaming baby in the safe crib and collect themselves). And most importantly, you recognize what you need to do to feel in control again. You are holding yourself accountable and working on a solution.
ReplyDeleteHUGS to you, most of all.
You are a great mother who just hit a wall - hard. Trust me I have also screamed at my son and had to restrain myself from taking his video game crap and running over it with my car. And yes, kids today do talk to their parents in, let's say, a much more familiar fashion, than I would have ever addressed my parents. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint and sometimes I think it's good for kids to see that their parents are actually human beings who can get very angry and can get their feelings hurt.
ReplyDeleteI sure have kbiermom. I woke my son up on Monday morning and told him I was very sorry for hurting him and that my depression has gotten the best of me. Unfortunately he understands that all to well since he and I have the same dx.
ReplyDeleteI called the Dr. who was out of the office, so they got me in at 8am on Tuesday and I started taking a new med on Tuesday for depression.
Thank you Kbiermom. You are one of very few who has followed up with me. :)
yayayay excellent! I hope the new Rx turns out to be a good fit for you. We all lose our tempers sometimes. You taught your kids how to pull back from the brink, fix it, and learn from it. Good parenting, mama :)
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