It's time to love myself enough

"You don't need knowledge or great philosophical concepts. You don't need the acceptance of others. You express your own divinity by being alive and by loving yourself and others." don Miguel Ruiz




Last night I spent some time in my head after my husband fell asleep. I was thinking about how we seemed to be getting along better as of recently, and how we had even been a bit more playful together. I circle back to this place often. This place where I see that glimmer of hope. I see that yes, this marriage can be a happy one. If only we can duplicate the last week almost every week.

I wake up in a great mood this morning. I am ready to take on Monday head on! I woke up in a timely manner, did some housework, helped the kids get breakfast and ironed my daughters hair. Yes, I was very much feeling this day.

As I got dressed Jon was in the restroom. I had been styling my hair but had stepped out to get clothes on so I waited patiently for him to finish so that I could finish getting ready for work. When he came out my 8 year old had been chewing my ear off with talk about some characters on a new video game that the kids had purchased over the weekend. I was more than ready to go and hide with my coffee in the bathroom while I finished getting ready! Our 8 y/o talks a lot, and fast, and loud! ha ha.

As I started to inspect the skin on my face I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my cell phone was sitting there. The light was not flashing so I hadn't missed any calls or messages. Good. It was early!

I suddenly felt that creepy feeling where you feel like you are being watched. There was some funky energy floating around me in that bathroom and it was tinged with deception.

I unlocked the screen on my cell and sure enough...my husband had been in the bathroom reading my text messages.

I'm tired of not having any of myself. I'm done with not having time for me, or space for me. I have 4 children and a husband who is never going to know what he has in life until it is gone. I'm done.

I have given away so many pieces of over the years that there is nothing left there. I have to rebuild and I'm not going to do that while someone else is constantly taking bricks down as I build.

I don't know what more to say. This morning was no different that a hundred other mornings where I go to bed feeling hopeful and wake up feeling betrayal.

I think it's time I stop going through the motions in life.