I was watching Master Class...again...on the OWN channel. I have watched episode 1 and 2 six times now. Powerful stuff! One thing that Oprah stresses is that if you do not know what your life's purpose is your #1 priority should be to figure that out, or else you are just roaming aimlessly.
We all know how good I am a roaming...I don't need any help in that department!
I feel like I was closer to knowing what my life's purpose is ten years ago than I am today. I've lost sight of what is real. What is me. I've lost touch with the innermost workings of my very heart and soul.
This is what I do know. I know I was meant to be a mom. Check! I know that the things that bring me the most joy in life, besides my children, are helping others, teaching, creating/crafting, photography, writing, and reading. Whatever my purpose is...it would likely incorporate all of these things. One of the reasons I keep getting drawn back to blogging is because it does cover most of my bases. I just haven't found the right blog yet. I haven't found the one that feels like home and I am certain that this one isn't it either.
Do you know what your life's purpose is? For those who do not believe in this line of thinking, I get that...please respect the fact that I do believe, and love me enough to love me for who I am, please. :)
I have done all that I can do. All that I know how to do. I surrender. I give this up to the universe and ask that whatever my purpose is, that it comes to me whenever I am ready.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wrapping up Autism Awareness month
April is coming to end and with it another annual Autism awareness month.
I don't typically call my son Autistic, or on the spectrum. I'm just not comfortable with labels and boxes. It's not that I am in denial. Believe me...we are reminded every.single.day that he has an Autism spectrum Disorder (ASD).
I myself am on the spectrum, and while I am very high functioning (in my opinion) I have my own special list of issues that I live with in my daily, sometimes hourly life. ;) To my friends and family it may seem like I am just being a pain in the ass, a brat, or bitchy. I'm okay with them thinking like that...because honestly...many people treat you like crap when they think there is something wrong with you. I'd much prefer being treated like a brat than someone who is incapable.
I'm not broken. There is nothing wrong with me. My mind just works differently than yours does, and honestly...I wouldn't have it any other way!
I think being this way gives me an advantage as a parent. I am able to understand what my son is seeing, feeling, and experiencing in the world. I can be more patient. I have a compassion and empathy for them that is much different than their father.
People see my son as an average boy and for the most part he is, and I am thankful for that! What happens behind closed doors is handled behind those safe doors. Some of his peers at school have been subjected to his meltdowns which range from crying to severe outbursts, and I am sure that many of them think he is just immature.
What people don't realize is this. I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. Between the sheer volume of work raising 4 children comes with, I have to deal with toddler tantrums, a 9 year old with ADHD, a pre-teen daughter and all of her lovely hormones, and a teenage son with ASD.
I don't consider myself to be super woman. I don't do anything perfect, near perfect, or even to completion. Most days I am lucky to just connect the dots and get everyone the right medications and sent off on the right buses. Ha!
I don't look for sympathy from others for what I endure with parenting special needs children. It's why i don't talk about our family dynamics that often. Those who are closest to me know me and know me well. They've seen our daily life and they know what it's really like.
I hope that with awareness comes change. These kids need more services. they need more time and attention. They deserve a chance. If we had more services available for them they could become productive members of society and use their brilliant minds for greatness.
As we wrap up this month I thought I'd share a few links for Autism education, awareness, and support. I'm not soliciting for donations for any one organization. These kids need acceptance almost as much as the services that donations contribute to. I'm just asking that you consider making this cause one worthy of your time, and if you have a dime to spare...that's just icing on the cake!
The Autism Society
Autism Speaks
Autism Awareness Online
I don't typically call my son Autistic, or on the spectrum. I'm just not comfortable with labels and boxes. It's not that I am in denial. Believe me...we are reminded every.single.day that he has an Autism spectrum Disorder (ASD).
I myself am on the spectrum, and while I am very high functioning (in my opinion) I have my own special list of issues that I live with in my daily, sometimes hourly life. ;) To my friends and family it may seem like I am just being a pain in the ass, a brat, or bitchy. I'm okay with them thinking like that...because honestly...many people treat you like crap when they think there is something wrong with you. I'd much prefer being treated like a brat than someone who is incapable.
I'm not broken. There is nothing wrong with me. My mind just works differently than yours does, and honestly...I wouldn't have it any other way!
I think being this way gives me an advantage as a parent. I am able to understand what my son is seeing, feeling, and experiencing in the world. I can be more patient. I have a compassion and empathy for them that is much different than their father.
People see my son as an average boy and for the most part he is, and I am thankful for that! What happens behind closed doors is handled behind those safe doors. Some of his peers at school have been subjected to his meltdowns which range from crying to severe outbursts, and I am sure that many of them think he is just immature.
What people don't realize is this. I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. Between the sheer volume of work raising 4 children comes with, I have to deal with toddler tantrums, a 9 year old with ADHD, a pre-teen daughter and all of her lovely hormones, and a teenage son with ASD.
I don't consider myself to be super woman. I don't do anything perfect, near perfect, or even to completion. Most days I am lucky to just connect the dots and get everyone the right medications and sent off on the right buses. Ha!
I don't look for sympathy from others for what I endure with parenting special needs children. It's why i don't talk about our family dynamics that often. Those who are closest to me know me and know me well. They've seen our daily life and they know what it's really like.
I hope that with awareness comes change. These kids need more services. they need more time and attention. They deserve a chance. If we had more services available for them they could become productive members of society and use their brilliant minds for greatness.
As we wrap up this month I thought I'd share a few links for Autism education, awareness, and support. I'm not soliciting for donations for any one organization. These kids need acceptance almost as much as the services that donations contribute to. I'm just asking that you consider making this cause one worthy of your time, and if you have a dime to spare...that's just icing on the cake!
The Autism Society
Autism Speaks
Autism Awareness Online
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I am official
I went to the gym today. I put in approx 2 miles on the elliptical and a mile on the dreadmill. I hobbled (is that a real word?) out of the gym and headed straight to Blue Mile to get myself better running shoes. I was sad to realize that they were not open yet. I'm not normally the early bird. This isn't Vegas. Blah.
I headed home to do the whole ice and ibuprofen routine and I started talking myself out of spending the $100 on new shoes. I had just bought a $100 pair of Asics that were on clearance with an additional discount and a $10 off coupon for just under $43. I felt guilty enough spending nearly $50 on those shoes. Now the running specialist is telling me I need a different pair. *sigh*
It's not like I'm a runner. I mean...if I ran marathons I could totally justify buying the expensive shoes. If I were a daily runner maybe that would make me official enough to have better shoes. I don't think running the past 7 days consecutively counts.
Every runner has to start somewhere I suppose. Here's the thing. I have to believe I will stick with running. I quit smoking in January. In February joined a gymso that I could do weight training and run on the snowy and nasty days when outdoor running isn't ideal so that I could run off and past the extreme nightly cravings. In March I quit my anti anxiety meds, and I started a biggest loser competition in April. All things point to me NEEDING running in my life. I cannot be that mom that is smoking a cigarette on the way to pick her child up from track practice. I cannot be that mom that is out of shape and cannot keep up with her kids anymore. I cannot be the stressed out mom that I've been lately. I have to get off these excess pounds because it greatly affects my self worth to me.
Running helps with all of these hurdles. When I want to smoke...I run. When I want to work out...I run. When I am feeling sad...I run. When I want to lose weight...I run. What needs to change is when I am past the smoking craving or the fitness goals have been met, the depression is under control and I am at my goal weight...I have to keep running. I don't want to stop again. I need that daily maintenance for my mind, body, and soul.
I posted about the shoes on Facebook and a friend told me about the store offering a $10 discount on your purchase during your birthday month. It just so happens that I am an April baby! I had not received an e-mail on this so I called the store and as it turns out they had me listed on my sons account so I wasn't getting the emails. She said she would gladly honor the discount for me. Score!
So, what is my point? Ah yes...It is official: today I declare myself a runner because it helped me to justify going back to the Blue Mile, and paying $90 on my new running shoe's (with my birthday discount) which have the perfect amount of stability for my over pronation as well as enough cushion to comfort my heavy strike. Nike Air Structure 14...which ironically is the same shoe they fit me in back in 2008. Go figure!
I met a friend at the gym and did approx another 2 miles on the elliptical in the new shoes and I felt great. After dinner my husband and I run together so I just ran my 1st mile in the new shoes and it felt like I was running on clouds with no pain on impact. WIN! Here's to happy feet!
I headed home to do the whole ice and ibuprofen routine and I started talking myself out of spending the $100 on new shoes. I had just bought a $100 pair of Asics that were on clearance with an additional discount and a $10 off coupon for just under $43. I felt guilty enough spending nearly $50 on those shoes. Now the running specialist is telling me I need a different pair. *sigh*
It's not like I'm a runner. I mean...if I ran marathons I could totally justify buying the expensive shoes. If I were a daily runner maybe that would make me official enough to have better shoes. I don't think running the past 7 days consecutively counts.
Every runner has to start somewhere I suppose. Here's the thing. I have to believe I will stick with running. I quit smoking in January. In February joined a gym
Running helps with all of these hurdles. When I want to smoke...I run. When I want to work out...I run. When I am feeling sad...I run. When I want to lose weight...I run. What needs to change is when I am past the smoking craving or the fitness goals have been met, the depression is under control and I am at my goal weight...I have to keep running. I don't want to stop again. I need that daily maintenance for my mind, body, and soul.
I posted about the shoes on Facebook and a friend told me about the store offering a $10 discount on your purchase during your birthday month. It just so happens that I am an April baby! I had not received an e-mail on this so I called the store and as it turns out they had me listed on my sons account so I wasn't getting the emails. She said she would gladly honor the discount for me. Score!
So, what is my point? Ah yes...It is official: today I declare myself a runner because it helped me to justify going back to the Blue Mile, and paying $90 on my new running shoe's (with my birthday discount) which have the perfect amount of stability for my over pronation as well as enough cushion to comfort my heavy strike. Nike Air Structure 14...which ironically is the same shoe they fit me in back in 2008. Go figure!
I met a friend at the gym and did approx another 2 miles on the elliptical in the new shoes and I felt great. After dinner my husband and I run together so I just ran my 1st mile in the new shoes and it felt like I was running on clouds with no pain on impact. WIN! Here's to happy feet!
I don't buy crap anymore
I received a call from an old friend this morning. She was telling me about how their car had broken down. It is their only car, and they do not have the money to fix it. It seems like her family has crap falling on them with every turn. I cannot help but think of what karmic debt she must be paying off.
Anyway, she proceeds to give me the pity story...you know, the one where there is nothing to be shaved from the budget. There is no way to save money for things like this. how they barely scrape by. Yada yada.
Now...I'm not gonna say that I've never said these things but...enough is enough already! I certainly have not said them frequently enough for it to borderline as habitual whining.
She stops for fast food after cross country frequently. I'm not talking just meets...I'm talking even after practices because picking the kids up at 4:45 doesn't allot enough time to make dinner. Really? I'm pretty sure that I manage to make dinner for 6 ppl with 2 runners on the team. It's too expensive. Sure we may eat at Taco bell after an away meet that ends at 7:30pm and is on the other end of town, but even then I try to just pack a picnic dinner that can be eaten in the bleachers. Throw the kids a PB&J, some popcorn, granola and fruit and voila-dinner!
If she spends even just $10 a week on fast food at times when a little planning ahead could save her $520 a year. That is HALF of what she needs for the car repairs just in cutting out ONE fast food meal a week. I get tired of hearing that "We don't eat out very often." My ass! you eat out all the time. Denial.
She also joined the gym. She's spending extra money there, and while I appreciate that she is doing that for herself...she doesn't go very often (always an excuse to not go) and she could do most of what she does at the gym in her own home...if money is really so tight, and all.
She goes out with friends to movies, and comedy shows and doesn't even make an effort to use coupons or discounts. I would love to see the movie after lunch but I know that seeing it at 11:40 saved us $4.50 a ticket...and times 6 people that is a huge savings. She wouldn't consider altering her schedule to save $$, saying that it's just too early to get there in time...blah blah blah
Here's the thing. It's not my business how you spend your time and money. If you make it my business by telling me about it that is your prerogative. I make no judgements as I am not perfect and I have spent when I shouldn't have plenty of times.
My point is...I'm tired of listening to your crap until my ears bleed. You screwed up. Just own it. Admit that you were irresponsible, and get off your lazy butt and do something about it. There are plenty of ways to make some extra money...and none of them are going to come to you while you sit on your couch. Just sayin'!
Anyway, she proceeds to give me the pity story...you know, the one where there is nothing to be shaved from the budget. There is no way to save money for things like this. how they barely scrape by. Yada yada.
Now...I'm not gonna say that I've never said these things but...enough is enough already! I certainly have not said them frequently enough for it to borderline as habitual whining.
She stops for fast food after cross country frequently. I'm not talking just meets...I'm talking even after practices because picking the kids up at 4:45 doesn't allot enough time to make dinner. Really? I'm pretty sure that I manage to make dinner for 6 ppl with 2 runners on the team. It's too expensive. Sure we may eat at Taco bell after an away meet that ends at 7:30pm and is on the other end of town, but even then I try to just pack a picnic dinner that can be eaten in the bleachers. Throw the kids a PB&J, some popcorn, granola and fruit and voila-dinner!
If she spends even just $10 a week on fast food at times when a little planning ahead could save her $520 a year. That is HALF of what she needs for the car repairs just in cutting out ONE fast food meal a week. I get tired of hearing that "We don't eat out very often." My ass! you eat out all the time. Denial.
She also joined the gym. She's spending extra money there, and while I appreciate that she is doing that for herself...she doesn't go very often (always an excuse to not go) and she could do most of what she does at the gym in her own home...if money is really so tight, and all.
She goes out with friends to movies, and comedy shows and doesn't even make an effort to use coupons or discounts. I would love to see the movie after lunch but I know that seeing it at 11:40 saved us $4.50 a ticket...and times 6 people that is a huge savings. She wouldn't consider altering her schedule to save $$, saying that it's just too early to get there in time...blah blah blah
Here's the thing. It's not my business how you spend your time and money. If you make it my business by telling me about it that is your prerogative. I make no judgements as I am not perfect and I have spent when I shouldn't have plenty of times.
My point is...I'm tired of listening to your crap until my ears bleed. You screwed up. Just own it. Admit that you were irresponsible, and get off your lazy butt and do something about it. There are plenty of ways to make some extra money...and none of them are going to come to you while you sit on your couch. Just sayin'!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Why My Daughter Is Awesomesauce
My daughter is 12 years old. She is, as every preteen girl, a bit challenging at times. Sometimes it is easy to feel like I have somehow failed her, blaming myself for her mood swings and horrid manners. Most times she makes me very proud of the young woman she is becoming. Today she wowed me with a belated birthday gift that had more thought put into it than probably every other gift I received this year.
Some of you may know that I quit smoking this year, a habit I picked up at just 14 years old. I also gave up my Anti-depressants and Anxiety Meds. I have changed my diet and joined a gym for the 1st time in my life. That is a lot of change in not quite 4 months. It brings with it a lot of stress and anxiety. I'm saddened that my children have to know what anxiety is because of their mommy, but I am also glad that they have grown up understanding that their behavior affects others...like me! :)
As I opened the card the inside read:
Happy Birthday, Mom!
When I was making this card for you there was a problem that I thought to.
Limited bubbles will be on your lap, even double wrapped in bubble wrap!
I wanted to give you endless joy, if only there was some kind of toy!
Bubble wrap is stress relieving, something I hope you wont be needing.
The benefits it might bring, it may be the size of a key ring.
This thought was the inspiration for my present to you.
Special for your birthday, I promise to supply you with endless bubble wrap!You can enjoy infinite popping for fun, passing the time, and even stress relief anywhere you go!I hope you enjoy it!
You Loving Daughter,Nate
My gift was an electronic pop pop bubble wrap key chain. It makes a little pop sound every time you press the bubbles and every 100 bubbles you pop you get a new sound. After 200 stress relieving pops I got a fart sound. Score! What an awesomely cool and fun gift!
Sis knew that I had been stressing every since the new year and she thought this would be a great way for me to relieve stress when I am running out and about. Apparently my husband tells me she searched the world over for this item and ultimately had to order it online which is why it was so late.
It's times like these when I know I must be doing something right. :)
How Facebook Ruins Stuff
I love Facebook. I love how it gives me the chance to keep up with friends who I would otherwise not speak to more than once or twice a year. I also love how Facebook reminds me of why I wouldn't ordinarily speak to that person more than once or twice a year. I also love how Facebook gives people the chance to see/read a side of me that they cannot see in real life.
With all that's great to be said of Facebook...it ruins stuff!
1. Nothing ruins a moment, like finding out your loved one is pregnant or that an old friend has died like reading it on Facebook. Can people not pick up a phone anymore?!? (Sorry Brooke)
2. I feel compelled to like what people are saying all.the.time. Facebook has turned me into a Like whore. There really needs to be various levels of liking. I mean..I like everyone, but some things I really LOVE and somethings are like...meh...which by the way is a make believe word that I learned on Facebook.
3. Facebook ruins how we write. I was recenlty writing a letter and kept catching myself wanting to be witty with my phrases, as if I didn't have a whole letter to express how i felt.
4. I always hear it on Facebook first. My husband wants to tell me abotu something he read in the paper and I tell him that I read it on Facebook...and suddenly we have nothing to talk about.
5. My kids won't talk to me anymore because they can just facebook inbox me their questions.
6. Finding out things about your friends via their photos and feeling like an ass because no one told you that Mary Jane died her hair blue, or got a new boyfriend. She announced it on facebook the day your signal was down and you never got the status...and now you feel all left out because Mary Jane didn't even bother to send out a mass message.
7. If you haven't seen the latest show you will be subjected to witty quotes and numerous spoilers instantaneously.
8. It doesn't matter if you like sports or not. On game days your will be subjected to play by plays until your ears bleed. Nothing like 300 of your friends letting the world know that we are not going to win. I'm pretty sure we'd all know when the game ended, but okay.
9. Seeing pics of your drunk ass friends exposing themselves or doing anything that makes your skin crawl. Fail. I cannot look you in the eyes ever again. Be gone and take your ass crack with you.
10. Finding out that someone is having an affair because he/she is too stupid to realize that when they type on their lovers wall the comment shows up to all of his/her friends. Secret lover my ass.
There you have it. 10 reasons Facebook ruins stuff.
Have a lovely day =P
With all that's great to be said of Facebook...it ruins stuff!
1. Nothing ruins a moment, like finding out your loved one is pregnant or that an old friend has died like reading it on Facebook. Can people not pick up a phone anymore?!? (Sorry Brooke)
2. I feel compelled to like what people are saying all.the.time. Facebook has turned me into a Like whore. There really needs to be various levels of liking. I mean..I like everyone, but some things I really LOVE and somethings are like...meh...which by the way is a make believe word that I learned on Facebook.
3. Facebook ruins how we write. I was recenlty writing a letter and kept catching myself wanting to be witty with my phrases, as if I didn't have a whole letter to express how i felt.
4. I always hear it on Facebook first. My husband wants to tell me abotu something he read in the paper and I tell him that I read it on Facebook...and suddenly we have nothing to talk about.
5. My kids won't talk to me anymore because they can just facebook inbox me their questions.
6. Finding out things about your friends via their photos and feeling like an ass because no one told you that Mary Jane died her hair blue, or got a new boyfriend. She announced it on facebook the day your signal was down and you never got the status...and now you feel all left out because Mary Jane didn't even bother to send out a mass message.
7. If you haven't seen the latest show you will be subjected to witty quotes and numerous spoilers instantaneously.
8. It doesn't matter if you like sports or not. On game days your will be subjected to play by plays until your ears bleed. Nothing like 300 of your friends letting the world know that we are not going to win. I'm pretty sure we'd all know when the game ended, but okay.
9. Seeing pics of your drunk ass friends exposing themselves or doing anything that makes your skin crawl. Fail. I cannot look you in the eyes ever again. Be gone and take your ass crack with you.
10. Finding out that someone is having an affair because he/she is too stupid to realize that when they type on their lovers wall the comment shows up to all of his/her friends. Secret lover my ass.
There you have it. 10 reasons Facebook ruins stuff.
Have a lovely day =P
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sitting with pain
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
The Invitation, Oriah Mountain DreamerSitting with your pain is painful. I know that seems obvious but...to be honest I don't normally have this much pain to sit with. i can usually process and move past the painful stage fairly quickly these days.
This is not the case today. I have been suffering with a combination of self reflection, a loss of trust in a loved one, feelings of abandonment, and the list keeps growing.
I think the reason this pain is so hard to sit with is because the loss of trust. I am already not very trusting of others. I find it hard to believe that people are genuine and honest with their intentions. Once again I've been burned and left with scars. Battle wounds from life.
I don't know how long it will take me to lick these wounds. I imagine a full healing is going to take a long time. I'm saddened that there are people in my life who cannot be honest, and fully present with me...but I know it's a fact of life. One I am learning to accept.
The silver lining here is that with pain comes growth and I know I will come out for the better in the end. Please be gentle while I work my way there.
So I sit. Avoiding sleeping away the pain. Avoiding eating, drinking, or smoking away the pain. This is a fine damn time to be sitting with pain...when my only remaining vice is coffee and tea, black.
It's going to be a long ass summer.
Morning Mommy
I will start with my warning. Most of you will likely want to smack me as you read this. I know that I am crazy for not enjoying the routine that my family currently has. Please know that I get it. The grass is always greener. If I had it my way I'd surely want yours, right?
Most mornings I sleep in. I have sleep issues and I am up all hours of the night and what sleep I do get is broken and not very quality sleep. My husband gets up and plays the morning Mommy. He does chores, cooks breakfast for the kids, and enables me to lay in bed and be lazy or depressed. I hate it.
I pulled an all nighter last night. I simply couldn't sleep. I swear I must be suffering from RLS or some similar disorder. Sitting still is like a child with severe ADHD for me right now. My brain is exhausted...but my body wont sleep!
So, my husband needed to get in early today so I stayed awake instead of going to bed at 5am. I made the breakfasts, gave the meds, signed the logs, did the dishes, laundry, and other morning chores, and he had breakfast, got dressed and left.
I wish every morning was like this. I do not like him doing the morning routine. It makes me feel...not needed. I am needy. I need to be needed. I am also grouchy (to him, not the kids) so what I really need is for him to leave as soon as possible.
He knows this. We've discussed it several times. It's just not doable for him, I suppose.
In my perfect world he would get up at 5am, go to the gym to get his workout in (so that he doesn't need to do it at night), shower at the gym and head to work from there. I like to be alone in the mornings. I tend to handle the kids with more success, and I also tend to have better days myself when I can ease into my day alone.
So...today I got to play the morning mommy. I got to do everything on my own. I cannot be upset with anyone else when I come home from work but myself because X-Y-Z wasn't done this morning, and I know that it was all done so I am relieved to know that when I get home...I can relax and have nothing to overwhelm me.
So...here's to a great day. It must be so because I got to be the morning mommy today!
Most mornings I sleep in. I have sleep issues and I am up all hours of the night and what sleep I do get is broken and not very quality sleep. My husband gets up and plays the morning Mommy. He does chores, cooks breakfast for the kids, and enables me to lay in bed and be lazy or depressed. I hate it.
I pulled an all nighter last night. I simply couldn't sleep. I swear I must be suffering from RLS or some similar disorder. Sitting still is like a child with severe ADHD for me right now. My brain is exhausted...but my body wont sleep!
So, my husband needed to get in early today so I stayed awake instead of going to bed at 5am. I made the breakfasts, gave the meds, signed the logs, did the dishes, laundry, and other morning chores, and he had breakfast, got dressed and left.
I wish every morning was like this. I do not like him doing the morning routine. It makes me feel...not needed. I am needy. I need to be needed. I am also grouchy (to him, not the kids) so what I really need is for him to leave as soon as possible.
He knows this. We've discussed it several times. It's just not doable for him, I suppose.
In my perfect world he would get up at 5am, go to the gym to get his workout in (so that he doesn't need to do it at night), shower at the gym and head to work from there. I like to be alone in the mornings. I tend to handle the kids with more success, and I also tend to have better days myself when I can ease into my day alone.
So...today I got to play the morning mommy. I got to do everything on my own. I cannot be upset with anyone else when I come home from work but myself because X-Y-Z wasn't done this morning, and I know that it was all done so I am relieved to know that when I get home...I can relax and have nothing to overwhelm me.
So...here's to a great day. It must be so because I got to be the morning mommy today!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Exersize from What we ache for; Ch. 1
This is a writing exercise from the end of Chapter 1 in my new book, What We Ache For, and it may not make any sense if you haven't read the book. The exercises are supposed to help one tap into their creative working.
I'm just posting here so I can access these notes from anywhere :)
For Contemplation
If consciously cultivating your spirituality, sexuality, and creativity is the way you tend to the life of the soul I'd imagine my soul is near death. I have not cultivated anything in a long time. Years, in fact. I feel like I lost my sexuality about 5 years ago...what little I had. My creativity comes and goes in spurts, fizzing out much faster than it should.
I've not been tending to these things at all, really. My spirituality is beyond neglected. I rarely make time for meditation, something I want to do daily. I am luck if I find time to read once a week. I simply do not make time for myself and that has got to change.
My sexuality is non existent. That is all.
My creativity...I let it be beaten out of me every time it enters my heart in a new form. My necklace making lasted 1 day. Life got busy and everything was showed into a closet. My scrapbooking has been neglected for over a year now. Everything I touch remains unfinished.
None of these things are integrated. They are all separated. I'm not even sure how to integrate my creativity into these things. I know how to integrate the sexuality and the spirituality...I just haven't felt driven to do so for a long time.
WRITING EXERSIZES
When I write I feel free. I feel like I send my words out into the universe and they go to visit whomever is needing the messages I have written.
When I write I see how others could react to what I have to say if they could hear me.
When I write I discover that I have a unique perspective on life, and when I share it I am confident that sharing the message I wrote was worth the work.
I write because I have things I want to say. Iwrite because it helps me to process my thoughts. I write because it calms me down and helps to center my whole self.
I don't know...where to start
I don't know how...to stop allowing the distractions in my life...distract me.
I don't know if I can do this right now.
I can forgive you for not letting love into your heart.
I can't forget when someone doesn't love me with their whole heart
There's always enough love for me to give unto everyone.
There's never enough time for me to love.
The dumbest thing I ever did was to let go of my dream.
The smartest thing I ever did was listen to my heart and soul.
The silliest thing I ever did was...I don't know...I do lots of silly stuff. Go to Jillian's to play games without the kids and spend my tickets on a Whoopie cushion?
The saddest thing I ever did was forget how to trust others.
The hardest thing I ever did was walk away.
The easiest thing I ever did was love.
The strangest thing I ever did was profess my love for someone who I didn't even know. Love does strange things to the mind!
I'm just posting here so I can access these notes from anywhere :)
For Contemplation
If consciously cultivating your spirituality, sexuality, and creativity is the way you tend to the life of the soul I'd imagine my soul is near death. I have not cultivated anything in a long time. Years, in fact. I feel like I lost my sexuality about 5 years ago...what little I had. My creativity comes and goes in spurts, fizzing out much faster than it should.
I've not been tending to these things at all, really. My spirituality is beyond neglected. I rarely make time for meditation, something I want to do daily. I am luck if I find time to read once a week. I simply do not make time for myself and that has got to change.
My sexuality is non existent. That is all.
My creativity...I let it be beaten out of me every time it enters my heart in a new form. My necklace making lasted 1 day. Life got busy and everything was showed into a closet. My scrapbooking has been neglected for over a year now. Everything I touch remains unfinished.
None of these things are integrated. They are all separated. I'm not even sure how to integrate my creativity into these things. I know how to integrate the sexuality and the spirituality...I just haven't felt driven to do so for a long time.
WRITING EXERSIZES
When I write I feel free. I feel like I send my words out into the universe and they go to visit whomever is needing the messages I have written.
When I write I see how others could react to what I have to say if they could hear me.
When I write I discover that I have a unique perspective on life, and when I share it I am confident that sharing the message I wrote was worth the work.
I write because I have things I want to say. Iwrite because it helps me to process my thoughts. I write because it calms me down and helps to center my whole self.
I don't know...where to start
I don't know how...to stop allowing the distractions in my life...distract me.
I don't know if I can do this right now.
I can forgive you for not letting love into your heart.
I can't forget when someone doesn't love me with their whole heart
There's always enough love for me to give unto everyone.
There's never enough time for me to love.
The dumbest thing I ever did was to let go of my dream.
The smartest thing I ever did was listen to my heart and soul.
The silliest thing I ever did was...I don't know...I do lots of silly stuff. Go to Jillian's to play games without the kids and spend my tickets on a Whoopie cushion?
The saddest thing I ever did was forget how to trust others.
The hardest thing I ever did was walk away.
The easiest thing I ever did was love.
The strangest thing I ever did was profess my love for someone who I didn't even know. Love does strange things to the mind!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
What We Ache For
excerpt from What We Ache For; Oriah Mountain Dreamer
We ache to touch intimately what is real, to find the marriage of meaning and matter in our lives and in the world. We ache to feel and express the fire of being fully alive. When we cultivate and refuse to separate those essential expressions of a human soul-our spirituality, sexuality, and creativity-we feed the fire of our being, we find the place where the soul and the sensuous meet, we unfold. Willing to do our work and refusing to separate it from our sexuality or our spirituality, we add a life-sustaining breath to the world.
One of the things I struggle with in life is knowing what is really real. There is so much fake in the real world...and I struggle to identify people that have genuine intentions. Oftentimes I feel like I am being played like a fiddle. A fool who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I too ache to express my fire and I hope to one day feel fully alive. I know I will get there. Fear is the obstacle I have always faced. Fear of looking like a fool for love, for the adventure of being alive! I have to push past the fear. I have to be willing to risk looking foolish, and pissing some people off in the process.
I know that place where the soul and the sensuous meet and I long to get back to that place because when I unfold it is amazing. I am amazing. When I am open there is just no stopping that force.
I am willing to do my work. I need to stop separating it. I need to stop trying to compartmentalize life. I need to live it, as I know it, and let the pieces fall where they may.
We ache to touch intimately what is real, to find the marriage of meaning and matter in our lives and in the world. We ache to feel and express the fire of being fully alive. When we cultivate and refuse to separate those essential expressions of a human soul-our spirituality, sexuality, and creativity-we feed the fire of our being, we find the place where the soul and the sensuous meet, we unfold. Willing to do our work and refusing to separate it from our sexuality or our spirituality, we add a life-sustaining breath to the world.
One of the things I struggle with in life is knowing what is really real. There is so much fake in the real world...and I struggle to identify people that have genuine intentions. Oftentimes I feel like I am being played like a fiddle. A fool who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I too ache to express my fire and I hope to one day feel fully alive. I know I will get there. Fear is the obstacle I have always faced. Fear of looking like a fool for love, for the adventure of being alive! I have to push past the fear. I have to be willing to risk looking foolish, and pissing some people off in the process.
I know that place where the soul and the sensuous meet and I long to get back to that place because when I unfold it is amazing. I am amazing. When I am open there is just no stopping that force.
I am willing to do my work. I need to stop separating it. I need to stop trying to compartmentalize life. I need to live it, as I know it, and let the pieces fall where they may.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Eating Healthy
I recently started watching what I eat because life got a little busy for a while and I let my weight gain get out of control. I knew I was over eating so I started tracking calories and really watching my portion control...or lack there of.
I know when you first start this process most people feel like they are starving. They feel like it's just not enough food. Believe me...I've been there and I am one MEAN hungry girl. Haha!
Once you get past that stage and your stomach shrinks back to it's normal size...you get used to what you should be eating, and it get's easier.
As I sat here eating my lunch today I realized a few things about my new eating habits.
I'm eating slower. I looked at the clock and thought to myself "Geesh, could you milk the clock anymore for this lunch, lady?" Ha! I usually eat on the go, and never really give myself time to enjoy my food. Plus...I think that in my guilty mind... the faster I eat it the less time I have to face the reality of what I am eating.
This brings me to my next reason. I don't feel guilt. Usually when I stop at a fast food place for lunch I feel bad. I know I've made bad choices. I know I could have something healthier. I just feel so guilty for eating crappy foods, and in excess to boot. So...I usually scarf it down too fast and move on with my day. When I eat healthy I look at food differently. I observe the colors. I enjoy the flavors as they shoud be. You know...you just enjoy something more when you put effort into it. At least...I do. :)
Lastly...I just feel better. I feel like I'm eating foods that with sooth my soul. I know that sounds corny, but it's true! I just feel like eating healthier is the best way that I can worship my temple. It's one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself. No one can take it away, and everyone can benefit from it.
I know many of you that are on a journey to a healthier you and maybe you haven't realized how many ways eating healthier can benefit you!
I know when you first start this process most people feel like they are starving. They feel like it's just not enough food. Believe me...I've been there and I am one MEAN hungry girl. Haha!
Once you get past that stage and your stomach shrinks back to it's normal size...you get used to what you should be eating, and it get's easier.
As I sat here eating my lunch today I realized a few things about my new eating habits.
I'm eating slower. I looked at the clock and thought to myself "Geesh, could you milk the clock anymore for this lunch, lady?" Ha! I usually eat on the go, and never really give myself time to enjoy my food. Plus...I think that in my guilty mind... the faster I eat it the less time I have to face the reality of what I am eating.
This brings me to my next reason. I don't feel guilt. Usually when I stop at a fast food place for lunch I feel bad. I know I've made bad choices. I know I could have something healthier. I just feel so guilty for eating crappy foods, and in excess to boot. So...I usually scarf it down too fast and move on with my day. When I eat healthy I look at food differently. I observe the colors. I enjoy the flavors as they shoud be. You know...you just enjoy something more when you put effort into it. At least...I do. :)
Lastly...I just feel better. I feel like I'm eating foods that with sooth my soul. I know that sounds corny, but it's true! I just feel like eating healthier is the best way that I can worship my temple. It's one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself. No one can take it away, and everyone can benefit from it.
I know many of you that are on a journey to a healthier you and maybe you haven't realized how many ways eating healthier can benefit you!
It's not just about being a ceratin size or weight. It's about being healthy and enjoying more out of life.
Much love on your journey and I look forward to reading your success along the way!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Today I will do great things
Most mornings I wake up with a positive attitude. It's a fresh start. Each day is a gift. There are no guarantees that I will get a tomorrow so simply waking up usually reminds me that I've been gifted a new day.
Today was not one of those days. Those days seem to be coming less and less frequently. Something must be done about this.
Today was an off day. When I woke up my husband was caressing my face. I am sure he was hurting from some recent conversations we have had about the kids, life, and our marriage. I woke up dreading that I had to face the reality that is my life. Again. I hate waking up with a feeling of no hope.
So...I woke up at 5am and stayed in bed. I had intended to stay there all day. I decided not to work today. I wasn't planning to do anything. No fitness. No eating. No chores. No mommy. I had decided to lay there in defeat. I would not get up and take full advantage of my gift today. I was not appreciative of the life that I have. I was punishing myself for...not living my best life. Makes sense, right? No? I know...I really didn't think so either.
I woke up every half an hour or so until about 11:30. A friends Facebook status update came through the sms on my cell phone and it peaked my curiosity enough to call her. From there I felt hunger pains and decided to fix myself breakfast as I talked to her. I went back to bed. I fully intended to stay there a least until school was out.
I thought about blogging as I saw that my {real life} friend Liz was requesting fragments to add to her Friday Fragments blog. I couldn't think of anything to offer to her. I hopped over to Liz's blog to see what she had come up with. Her version of the Friday song along with her vlog gave me some motivation.
I'm not sure how she did it. Her blog was not about fitness. It was not about depression. It was not about a lot of anything that relate to how I was feeling. Who knew that Mrs 4444's Friday Fragments meme would be the ticket to get me on my feet? Not me!
My friends Facebook status update got me out of bed, and Liz's blog gave me hope. She helped me to see that it's not to late to accomplish greatness today. I reminded myself that greatness doesn't have to be big. You can achieve greatness in the smallest of tasks.
I quickly ran through my mental goal list. I had eaten breakfast, despite how late it was, so healthy eating-Check! Next on my list is fitness. I wanted to get in 30 minutes of movement every day, bare minimum.
I decided I would go to the gym to lift weights, run, and tan. I've been toying around with a goal of running to the gym and back instead of running on the treadmill. I have only ran 2 miles once. I have never ran 4 miles in one day. Ever. Not even when I ran track in school.
I decided this sounded like just what the greatness ordered. I got up and put on my GAP body capri pants and a GAP Fit halter tank. I placed new insoles into my running shoes and filled up my water bottle. I was ready to go!
I set out to run. It felt really easy today. I was shocked at my time. The first mile took 17 minutes. That was 3 minutes slower than my norm but the land is bumpy and very unforgiving so I took that as a decent time. The 2nd mile took me about 13 minutes, and it was the mostly sidewalk portion of the route.
I completed a 30 minute workout on weights at the gym and when I laid down for that 15 minute tanning session I wasn't sure I would, or or physically could, ever get back up. The fan at the foot of the bed usually runs for 2-3 minutes after the bulbs shut off. I usually get up right away. Not today. I laid there until the fans shut off. I felt bad for the woman waiting for her turn, but every once in a while I have to learn to be a little self serving.
As I ran home I was kind of in awe with my body. I couldn't believe I did it. I really thought I would have to call a neighbor to come and get me. It never became to difficult that I even considered the option. Even when I fell in that last quarter of a mile and scrapped my knee I got up, raised my pant leg to let it breath and to access the damage and within 60 seconds I was running it in, road rash and all. Thank goodness for my GAP body gfast capri pants! My knee would have been so much worse had they not protected it! I seriously love those capri pants!
I came home and took the best shower of my life. I picked up my tot from PreK, ran to McD's for an unsweetened iced tea and Aid had himself a smoothie, and we came home to meet my 8 y/o's bus and then headed up to the middle school to pick up my oldest 2 from track. I took the laptop so that I could knock out this blog before I lost energy. Haha!
I'm going to sign off so I can rock out to Avril Lavigne "What the Hell" and cook up some Kung pao chicken for dinner. My darlings love them some chinese!
Today was not one of those days. Those days seem to be coming less and less frequently. Something must be done about this.
Today was an off day. When I woke up my husband was caressing my face. I am sure he was hurting from some recent conversations we have had about the kids, life, and our marriage. I woke up dreading that I had to face the reality that is my life. Again. I hate waking up with a feeling of no hope.
So...I woke up at 5am and stayed in bed. I had intended to stay there all day. I decided not to work today. I wasn't planning to do anything. No fitness. No eating. No chores. No mommy. I had decided to lay there in defeat. I would not get up and take full advantage of my gift today. I was not appreciative of the life that I have. I was punishing myself for...not living my best life. Makes sense, right? No? I know...I really didn't think so either.
I woke up every half an hour or so until about 11:30. A friends Facebook status update came through the sms on my cell phone and it peaked my curiosity enough to call her. From there I felt hunger pains and decided to fix myself breakfast as I talked to her. I went back to bed. I fully intended to stay there a least until school was out.
I thought about blogging as I saw that my {real life} friend Liz was requesting fragments to add to her Friday Fragments blog. I couldn't think of anything to offer to her. I hopped over to Liz's blog to see what she had come up with. Her version of the Friday song along with her vlog gave me some motivation.
I'm not sure how she did it. Her blog was not about fitness. It was not about depression. It was not about a lot of anything that relate to how I was feeling. Who knew that Mrs 4444's Friday Fragments meme would be the ticket to get me on my feet? Not me!
My friends Facebook status update got me out of bed, and Liz's blog gave me hope. She helped me to see that it's not to late to accomplish greatness today. I reminded myself that greatness doesn't have to be big. You can achieve greatness in the smallest of tasks.
I quickly ran through my mental goal list. I had eaten breakfast, despite how late it was, so healthy eating-Check! Next on my list is fitness. I wanted to get in 30 minutes of movement every day, bare minimum.
I decided I would go to the gym to lift weights, run, and tan. I've been toying around with a goal of running to the gym and back instead of running on the treadmill. I have only ran 2 miles once. I have never ran 4 miles in one day. Ever. Not even when I ran track in school.
I decided this sounded like just what the greatness ordered. I got up and put on my GAP body capri pants and a GAP Fit halter tank. I placed new insoles into my running shoes and filled up my water bottle. I was ready to go!
I set out to run. It felt really easy today. I was shocked at my time. The first mile took 17 minutes. That was 3 minutes slower than my norm but the land is bumpy and very unforgiving so I took that as a decent time. The 2nd mile took me about 13 minutes, and it was the mostly sidewalk portion of the route.
I was never more happy to see the gym!
I completed a 30 minute workout on weights at the gym and when I laid down for that 15 minute tanning session I wasn't sure I would, or or physically could, ever get back up. The fan at the foot of the bed usually runs for 2-3 minutes after the bulbs shut off. I usually get up right away. Not today. I laid there until the fans shut off. I felt bad for the woman waiting for her turn, but every once in a while I have to learn to be a little self serving.
As I ran home I was kind of in awe with my body. I couldn't believe I did it. I really thought I would have to call a neighbor to come and get me. It never became to difficult that I even considered the option. Even when I fell in that last quarter of a mile and scrapped my knee I got up, raised my pant leg to let it breath and to access the damage and within 60 seconds I was running it in, road rash and all. Thank goodness for my GAP body gfast capri pants! My knee would have been so much worse had they not protected it! I seriously love those capri pants!
I came home and took the best shower of my life. I picked up my tot from PreK, ran to McD's for an unsweetened iced tea and Aid had himself a smoothie, and we came home to meet my 8 y/o's bus and then headed up to the middle school to pick up my oldest 2 from track. I took the laptop so that I could knock out this blog before I lost energy. Haha!
I'm going to sign off so I can rock out to Avril Lavigne "What the Hell" and cook up some Kung pao chicken for dinner. My darlings love them some chinese!
Today I feel great. I DID do great things, and I did them for ME!
Choose to Lose: Week 1
Week 1 went very well for me. I've been to the gym every day. I stayed within my caloric range, and made healthy choices for foods.
I rememebered to pack my lunch every day, and I have done really good with eliminating Coke from my diet. I've only had 8 ounces this week.
I started taking iron and B12 supplements again. Hoping this helps with my low energy levels these days. I was drinking 80 ounces of water a day but did not get it all in yesterday and I am behind today so I need to focus on that. I may need to set a new rule...no morning coffee until I finish 20 ounces of water and no afternoon unsweet tea until I have 20 ounces of water, and then no pm coffee until I have had 20 ounces with dinner. If I have 20 ounces at the gym that would get me to my goal!
So...I am really excited to see what my weigh in looks like on Monday. I have a dinner out with the girls tomorrow night and I am determined to eat light and enjoy myself without overindulging.
I rememebered to pack my lunch every day, and I have done really good with eliminating Coke from my diet. I've only had 8 ounces this week.
I started taking iron and B12 supplements again. Hoping this helps with my low energy levels these days. I was drinking 80 ounces of water a day but did not get it all in yesterday and I am behind today so I need to focus on that. I may need to set a new rule...no morning coffee until I finish 20 ounces of water and no afternoon unsweet tea until I have 20 ounces of water, and then no pm coffee until I have had 20 ounces with dinner. If I have 20 ounces at the gym that would get me to my goal!
So...I am really excited to see what my weigh in looks like on Monday. I have a dinner out with the girls tomorrow night and I am determined to eat light and enjoy myself without overindulging.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Choose to lose weight loss challenge: Day 1
Today is the day we kick off the "Choose to lose" weight loss challenge at my sons preschool. I couldn't be more ready. I weighed in today at a stagering weight.
That's right. I have gained since January 1st. Gain. loss. gain. loss.
If I felt stronger from working out I would excuse it as muscle mass weighing more than fat, but I don't. Plus I gotta be honest. My clothes are snug!
I start at a snug size 16/18.
That's right. I have gained since January 1st. Gain. loss. gain. loss.
If I felt stronger from working out I would excuse it as muscle mass weighing more than fat, but I don't. Plus I gotta be honest. My clothes are snug!
I start at a snug size 16/18.
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