...and oh what a day it has been! I have got to tell ya..those whom have never tried to quit smoking have absolutely, positively no idea whatsoever how incredibly difficult it can be! I am so sick of hearing people say they quit "Cold Turkey". It makes me want to hit them upside the head with a frozen Turkey and ask them if it is cold enough!
In all seriousness...this is scary stuff! I see a side of me that I NEVER see when I am trying to quit. I get angry, violent, and just down right bitchy!
Today I had my morning cigarette...which for me, as silly as it sounds, is supposed to be a peaceful ritual for me. Think Indians passing a peace pipe around the fire pit...minus the Indians, the pipe, and the fire, LOL! It's how I have started almost every day of my life for over 20 years now. After my shower this morning I put on the patch. A system I had tried back in April, but had to stop because the 1st patch gave me heart beat issues, the shakes, and made me feel just sick!
So, my Dr. gave me the okay to start on stage 3 patches which are a much lower doseage of nicotine. Too low I think. It didn't seem to give me any relief. This is no surprise considering that my addiction is, I believe, more about the oral fixation than it is about nicotine.
Now, please don't tell me to try the gum, try sucking on this and that. Believe me...I have tried it all. From dum dums to jolly ranchers, gum to pixie stix. None of it helps stave off the craving for more that 10 minutes.
Today I was just so tired. I started to doze off while driving twice. I felt like I was drowsy. A friend suggested maybe it was the lack of stimulant. So after work I came home and slept for 2 hours. All I want to do when the craving gets the best of me is sleep. I sure hope that passes in the coming days. I will say that I do notice when I quit that I do sleep so much better, which makes since because it is a stimulant.
I was doing okay until things got off schedule. We had planned to go to the fair and we picked today because our oldest child didn't have practice, and we should have been able to leave by 4:30. We ended up not leaving until 5:15...which in everyday life is not a big deal, but on day 1 of not smoking...it wqas a huge ordeal. So uge in fact that after several small hiccups in our schedule I lost my cool and beat the hell out of my steering wheel to vent the rage.
As much as I know this is the very best thing I could do for myself, it doesn't change the fact that I HATE being short, snippy, and impatient with my children. HATE IT!!! But, I am once again sticking to my guns. Tomorrow is a new day, with loads of new adventures, and I will start again tomorrow.
I ripped off that patch at the fair and came home and smoked after the kids went to bed. I gave up, but as I learned on my weight loss adventure from last year...it's okay. I can start again tomorrrow. Just because I caved tonight does not mean I have to give up on quitting.
So, here's to tomorrow. A new day. A better day. A day where I will give this goal my all and try my best to keep my cool!
Dear loved ones, please know that I do not mean anyting I say or do right now. Just give me my personal space, time, and watch for a flying frozen turkey!
Have a great night!
