© U8MyCrayons 2012. Powered by Blogger.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Goals & Gripes

This blog post will more likely resemble the incessant ramblings of a mad woman. I'm mad. No...I'm not mad. I'm mad as hell! In the following paragraphs you will be subjected to a foul sailor mouth, whining. and possibly a little negativity. If you can't be down with the sickness you might want to skip tonight's post.

 I would like to move on from this stage in life...like right NOW. I am so over being stuck where I am. I've no one to blame. I choose to sit here, stale, in the very same place I've been for longer than I can remember on bad days.

I'm not happy, and it's been that way for so long. I don't know what my deal is. Could it really be fear holding me back? I don't think so...I mean, by biggest fear is waking up in 5 years and realizing I feel the same way I did back in 2010.

As I sat at my desk I was pondering the idea of running. It's another one of those goals I have that I never seem to care enough about to actually act on it. I think I want to run. I think I want to be fit, and active. I think I want to not only keep up with my 4 kids, but surpass them, on occasion. I enjoy running. It gives my mind time to roam. It gives me peace. It's a great thing to do to blow off some steam...something else I seem to have a lot of these days.

So, as I sit here watching Oprah discuss her 10 year anniversary issue of O Magazine I think to myself "I should pick up a copy. I never do that for myself. I've never even read O magazine." I decide to throw on the ONE running outfit I purchased myself back in 2007 when I decided I was going to be a runner. It's still brand new. Worn one time for a half a mile run. What a joke.

I get all suited up. Moisture wicking running clothes. Check. Sport bra. Check. Running shoes. Check. iPod. Check. I'm ready to run. I've decided I will run 1.6 miles to the store, get myself that magazine, and run 1.6 miles back home. I can do this. Right. Suddenly I realize that this episode I am watching is from the DVR...and from who knows what year. I start to get angry and as I check the listing...it is an episode from February. Yep. Magazine is no doubt no longer in stores by now.

I get mad. I feel that instinct that has become as natural as sleep to me. I quit. I sit and figure there is now no reason to run to the store. I jump up angrily and tell myself NO. This is what you hate about what your life has become. You're giving up on your dream. It may be a small dream. It may be a dream you will grow to hate. You're the one who wanted to do this. Go run!

I decide to hop on the treadmill. I hate that damn treadmill. Every single time I run on it I feel sick...which has been exactly 3.5 times in 3 years. Did I mention I have a fear of running in public? Yes. I fear judgement of my big fat thighs rubbing together as my shorts wad up in a reverse wedgie with all of my neighbors watching.

I should mention that I didn't even wear shorts from 1999-2004. Nope. Didn't even own them. Fat thighs.

Anyway, I start running on the dreaded treadmill. I am trying to slow it down from 6mph to 3mph so I can walk for 90 seconds. (baby steps) and the damn thing wont slow down. I jumped on the side rails...not a good idea...and I damn near fell down.

I was pissed. I stormed down to the lake, sat on the dock and stewed for a minute until I noticed my neighbors were on their dock and staring at me. I then decided that I needed to run. Like Forest Gump I hoped up and darted up the hill, through the house, out onto the street and just started running. Of course every neighbor I know was out front or driving down the street to witness my ass running like a child who just learned to run...stumbling over my large, dangly, and uncoordinated feet.

I ran forever, give or take a mile. Truthfully I ran for about 1 mile and walked about a half a mile between running. I spent the next hour feeling like I may die at any moment. No doubt because my lung capacity is that of a 90 year old woman with emphysema.

So...now that I have been to mad as hell and back I am here to proclaim my 7 life goals. May I love myself enough every.single.day to make these a priority. I need to do this. For me. Right now. 

T here is a lot of crap in my life that I feel I cannot do anything about right now. There are 7 things I can absolutely work on right here, right now, and right where I am.

1. Put in ONE HOUR of physical activity every day. Run. Go to the gym. Something!

2. Eat healthy. Make a conscious effort with every snack and meal to choose what is healthy. There's a time for splurging. Celebrations. Special occasions. Monthly Moms Night Out. I need to love myself enough to refuse to eat unhealthy just because I worked hard that day, or because I'm stressed, or I'm tired.

3. Quit smoking. For the love of the world why is this so fucking hard? I mean....seriously?!? I started when I was 14 years old. I'd really like to kick both my parents asses for that. I can forgive them for the mental and physical abuse, but I cannot forgive them for allowing me to smoke and not trying to stop it.

But, I am an adult now. I told myself that my mom quit when she was 50, and I could totally show her up and quit by the time I was 35. Well...I'm 35, and have just over 7 months left before I am 36. It's time to make that happen. I'm sick of the excuses. I can't run like this with the lung capacity I have. I have to quit. I have to find a way to do this. I HAVE TO!!! I HATE IT!!!

4. Stop buying my children things. Before I go further I would like to explain that my children are far from spoiled. My daughter maybe slightly spoiled because she is a girl, but the kids typically do not get much in the way of toys, games, or extravagant stuff. I buy my daughter more clothes than the girl could ever need. My boys have enough t-shirts to clothe an army. The shoes...omg the shoes are freakin' ridiculous!!! I blame no one but myself for that. I went without as a child and I over compensate by buying them more than any child could ever need. I'm very frugal about it, but still...it's too much clutter for me and for them. I have to stop that.

5. Kick the clutter once and for all. I've been 'decluttering' my home, and life, since November of 2008. I'm still not done! Every time I finish a room I will notice something every week that I should have let go of. I keep telling myself that it's a process and doing it by myself means that it will take longer than the people on TV take.
I'm pretty convinced I'm a special kind of hoarder. I know I hoard, and for all the reasons that hoarders have for hoarding. What makes me special is the fact that I catch myself just before the hidden storage starts to bust. That doesn't mean I'm better than the average hoarder. It just means I have just enough of a handle on it to keep myself donating and selling stuff just about as fast as it comes in. It also means you wont find any cockroaches, bug, or fungus among us in the house. I'm just enough OC to never let that happen.

6. Become more centered. Daily meditation would be more favorable to the unpredictable schedule that I have now, but I'd be happy to just be more frequently clearing my mind! A regular and consistent morning Yoga workout would be nice too.

7. Clear the calendar. I need to stop filling my days up and start saving time for me time. I need to learn how to sit, be still, and truly enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments.

I leave with that, my friends. I have much more to say about life, but that part of my life I am just not ready to share on here just yet.

Love yas!


  1. I think we're living parallel lives. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

  2. Goodness, Leticia. This could have been written by ME. I used to run when the girls were very young. I ran races and got out every afternoon to run. I'd run in the direction of my husband coming home from work and get as far as I could before he came along. Then I'd ride home with him the rest of the way. Well, now at almost 60, I just can't run anymore. So I speed walk. I probably walk as fast as I ever was able to run.
    The treadmill. Well, let me echo your thoughts on the treadmill. I hate that damn treadmill. It's so boring. I can only look at that wall so long before all I can think of is getting off.
    I quit smoking 10months ago after smoking for over 30 years. For fear of sounding like an ex-smoker, let me tell you that you can quit. It's possible. Everytime I got where I really wanted to smoke, I'd just go out and walk. I'm heavier now but at least I'm breathing better. Unfortunately, there's still time when I'd love a cigarette.
    You've got some pretty ambitious goals there. But none of them are impossible. JUST DO IT!
    I'm with you on this.

  3. Thanks ladies! It's nice to know I;m not alone, although I suspect that we are in the majority...and that is, in part, why I believe our country struggles. Mosy of us have turned into giver-uppers, and I cannot help but wonder why society continues to accept iy. I say go back to black & white TVs and radio shows and get people outside! Yea...that'll never happen.

  4. Hugs to you.

    I know that you can do anything that you set your mind to. Just remember, one step at a time.

  5. Run, Lety, run! I love that you just got up and ran :) I had one of those moments last spring -- finally realized that I could let myself do one of twi things -- continue to stew about things, or just get up and do something about them. I told myself that one way or the other, I was teaching my kids how to deal with disappointment -- so, which was it going to be?!

    I have two suggestions:

    Try hypnosis for smoking cessation. After a number of attempts at stopping, that was what finally worked for my MIL.

    And add a number 8: celebrate! This is the thing that i struggle with daily -- i feel that no matter what I get done during the day, it isn't enough. I only did "just" this or "just" that. Take time to reflect and feel happy about what you have already been able to do. You do so much for others, way more than most people are able to do. Celebrate it!