Move with the flow

Move with the flow. Don't fight the current.

I read this quote on Facebook tonight (Thanks Oprah!) and I realized that while I have always held this belief in my heart...I've been fighting against the flow of life more and more frequently these days. Life has sort of taken on this whole feeling of "What's the point?" and I am just not really enjoying it all that much.

The thing is that I know that no matter how hard I peddle I am going to end up in basically the same place...exactly where I am supposed to be. Like it or not, it's what I know to be true.

I'm going to remember "Don't fight the current." and try to make it a daily habit to move with the flow. It takes less effort and in the end I'll get to where I am going faster if I just surrender to it and let it flow.

Through Your Heart

“Do not look at the world through your head, look at it through your heart." – Ketut.

I used to be very good at doing this. I used to look at the world through my heart so much so that people thought I might be slightly crazy. I took risks in life...calculated risks, mind you. I had trust. I had faith. I had hope. In my heart, I believed. I believed in myself just as much as everyone else.

These days...I'm not sure I believe in anybody or anything. I am nearly non-existent, at times.

In the coming months I hope to change all of that. I hope that I will spread my wings and soar, not just fly. I hope to let go of the pain, and learn from it all of the lessons that I know it holds.

I hope to spend more time on my daily devotions, and to spend less time involved in other peoples chaos.

I think the most challenging part for me is to trust my heart. My head and my heart are in a war against each other. I need to find a way to make peace between them and move on.

5/29 Race day party

Every year my aunt and uncle host an Indy 500 race day party. Lots of family, food, and games. Good times with friends and loved ones!

What is your lifes purpose?

I was watching Master Class...again...on the OWN channel. I have watched episode 1 and 2 six times now. Powerful stuff! One thing that Oprah stresses is that if you do not know what your life's purpose is your #1 priority should be to figure that out, or else you are just roaming aimlessly.

We all know how good I am a roaming...I don't need any help in that department!

I feel like I was closer to knowing what my life's purpose is ten years ago than I am today. I've lost sight of what is real. What is me. I've lost touch with the innermost workings of my very heart and soul.

This is what I do know. I know I was meant to be a mom. Check! I know that the things that bring me the most joy in life, besides my children, are helping others, teaching, creating/crafting, photography, writing, and reading. Whatever my purpose is...it would likely incorporate all of these things. One of the reasons I keep getting drawn back to blogging is because it does cover most of my bases. I just haven't found the right blog yet. I haven't found the one that feels like home and I am certain that this one isn't it either.

Do you know what your life's purpose is? For those who do not believe in this line of thinking, I get that...please respect the fact that I do believe, and love me enough to love me for who I am, please. :)

I have done all that I can do. All that I know how to do. I surrender. I give this up to the universe and ask that whatever my purpose is, that it comes to me whenever I am ready.

Wrapping up Autism Awareness month

April is coming to end and with it another annual Autism awareness month.

I don't typically call my son Autistic, or on the spectrum. I'm just not comfortable with labels and boxes. It's not that I am in denial. Believe me...we are reminded every.single.day that he has an Autism spectrum Disorder (ASD).

I myself am on the spectrum, and while I am very high functioning (in my opinion) I have my own special list of issues that I live with in my daily, sometimes hourly life. ;) To my friends and family it may seem like I am just being a pain in the ass, a brat, or bitchy. I'm okay with them thinking like that...because honestly...many people treat you like crap when they think there is something wrong with you. I'd much prefer being treated like a brat than someone who is incapable.

I'm not broken. There is nothing wrong with me. My mind just works differently than yours does, and honestly...I wouldn't have it any other way!

I think being this way gives me an advantage as a parent. I am able to understand what my son is seeing, feeling, and experiencing in the world. I can be more patient. I have a compassion and empathy for them that is much different than their father.

People see my son as an average boy and for the most part he is, and I am thankful for that! What happens behind closed doors is handled behind those safe doors. Some of his peers at school have been subjected to his meltdowns which range from crying to severe outbursts, and I am sure that many of them think he is just immature.

What people don't realize is this. I am exhausted. I am emotionally drained. Between the sheer volume of work raising 4 children comes with, I have to deal with toddler tantrums, a 9 year old with ADHD, a pre-teen daughter and all of her lovely hormones, and a teenage son with ASD.

I don't consider myself to be super woman. I don't do anything perfect, near perfect, or even to completion. Most days I am lucky to just connect the dots and get everyone the right medications and sent off on the right buses. Ha!

I don't look for sympathy from others for what I endure with parenting special needs children. It's why i don't talk about our family dynamics that often. Those who are closest to me know me and know me well. They've seen our daily life and they know what it's really like.

I hope that with awareness comes change. These kids need more services. they need more time and attention. They deserve a chance. If we had more services available for them they could become productive members of society and use their brilliant minds for greatness.

As we wrap up this month I thought I'd share a few links for Autism education, awareness, and support. I'm not soliciting for donations for any one organization. These kids need acceptance almost as much as the services that donations contribute to. I'm just asking that you consider making this cause one worthy of your time, and if you have a dime to spare...that's just icing on the cake!

The Autism Society
Autism Speaks
Autism Awareness Online

I am official

I went to the gym today. I put in approx 2 miles on the elliptical and a mile on the dreadmill. I hobbled (is that a real word?) out of the gym and headed straight to Blue Mile to get myself better running shoes. I was sad to realize that they were not open yet. I'm not normally the early bird. This isn't Vegas. Blah.

I headed home to do the whole ice and ibuprofen routine and I started talking myself out of spending the $100 on new shoes. I had just bought a $100 pair of Asics that were on clearance with an additional discount and a $10 off coupon for just under $43. I felt guilty enough spending nearly $50 on those shoes. Now the running specialist is telling me I need a different pair. *sigh*

It's not like I'm a runner. I mean...if I ran marathons I could totally justify buying the expensive shoes. If I were a daily runner maybe that would make me official enough to have better shoes. I don't think running the past 7 days consecutively counts.

Every runner has to start somewhere I suppose. Here's the thing. I have to believe I will stick with running. I quit smoking in January. In February joined a gym so that I could do weight training and run on the snowy and nasty days when outdoor running isn't ideal so that I could run off and past the extreme nightly cravings. In March I quit my anti anxiety meds, and I started a biggest loser competition in April. All things point to me NEEDING running in my life. I cannot be that mom that is smoking a cigarette on the way to pick her child up from track practice. I cannot be that mom that is out of shape and cannot keep up with her kids anymore. I cannot be the stressed out mom that I've been lately. I have to get off these excess pounds because it greatly affects my self worth to me.

Running helps with all of these hurdles. When I want to smoke...I run. When I want to work out...I run. When I am feeling sad...I run. When I want to lose weight...I run. What needs to change is when I am past the smoking craving or the fitness goals have been met, the depression is under control and I am at my goal weight...I have to keep running. I don't want to stop again. I need that daily maintenance for my mind, body, and soul.

I posted about the shoes on Facebook and a friend told me about the store offering a $10 discount on your purchase during your birthday month. It just so happens that I am an April baby! I had not received an e-mail on this so I called the store and as it turns out they had me listed on my sons account so I wasn't getting the emails. She said she would gladly honor the discount for me. Score!

So, what is my point? Ah yes...It is official: today I declare myself a runner because it helped me to justify going back to the Blue Mile, and paying $90 on my new running shoe's (with my birthday discount) which have the perfect amount of stability for my over pronation as well as enough cushion to comfort my heavy strike. Nike Air Structure 14...which ironically is the same shoe they fit me in back in 2008. Go figure!

I met a friend at the gym and did approx another 2 miles on the elliptical in the new shoes and I felt great. After dinner my husband and I run together so I just ran my 1st mile in the new shoes and it felt like I was running on clouds with no pain on impact. WIN! Here's to happy feet!

I don't buy crap anymore

I received a call from an old friend this morning. She was telling me about how their car had broken down. It is their only car, and they do not have the money to fix it. It seems like her family has crap falling on them with every turn. I cannot help but think of what karmic debt she must be paying off.

Anyway, she proceeds to give me the pity story...you know, the one where there is nothing to be shaved from the budget. There is no way to save money for things like this. how they barely scrape by. Yada yada.

Now...I'm not gonna say that I've never said these things but...enough is enough already! I certainly have not said them frequently enough for it to borderline as habitual whining.

She stops for fast food after cross country frequently. I'm not talking just meets...I'm talking even after practices because picking the kids up at 4:45 doesn't allot enough time to make dinner. Really? I'm pretty sure that I manage to make dinner for 6 ppl with 2 runners on the team. It's too expensive. Sure we may eat at Taco bell after an away meet that ends at 7:30pm and is on the other end of town, but even then I try to just pack a picnic dinner that can be eaten in the bleachers. Throw the kids a PB&J, some popcorn, granola and fruit and voila-dinner!

If she spends even just $10 a week on fast food at times when a little planning ahead could save her $520 a year. That is HALF of what she needs for the car repairs just in cutting out ONE fast food meal a week. I get tired of hearing that "We don't eat out very often." My ass! you eat out all the time. Denial.

She also joined the gym. She's spending extra money there, and while I appreciate that she is doing that for herself...she doesn't go very often (always an excuse to not go) and she could do most of what she does at the gym in her own home...if money is really so tight, and all.

She goes out with friends to movies, and comedy shows and doesn't even make an effort to use coupons or discounts. I would love to see the movie after lunch but I know that seeing it at 11:40 saved us $4.50 a ticket...and times 6 people that is a huge savings. She wouldn't consider altering her schedule to save $$, saying that it's just too early to get there in time...blah blah blah

Here's the thing. It's not my business how you spend your time and money. If you make it my business by telling me about it that is your prerogative. I make no judgements as I am not perfect and I have spent when I shouldn't have plenty of times.

My point is...I'm tired of listening to your crap until my ears bleed. You screwed up. Just own it. Admit that you were irresponsible, and get off your lazy butt and do something about it. There are plenty of ways to make some extra money...and none of them are going to come to you while you sit on your couch. Just sayin'!